Don't tell me what to do

I have a bit of heart-heaviness today. Feeling very emotional so thought I would write. This really is my best outlet, but I am going to go for a run later and see if that helps at all.
Yesterday, Brian came home and told me that there was a chance that he was going to have to have his radiation treatment next week. That would mean no Christmas. Once he has the treatment he has to be isolated for 2 days, then cannot be around children for an additional 3-5 days. Today, he emailed me from work and said that he won't be having it done until January. I was relieved.
One thing that the doctor did tell us was that we could not try to have another baby for a year after the treatment because of the risk to a fetus. I was devastated to hear that. If it were up to me, we would already be working on number two. The timing is terrible and we can't afford to have another baby. But, man, do I sure want one. I wanted our children to be close in age. Now they will be at least three years apart. There is also a slight risk that the radiation could effect our ability to have another baby.
Before I got pregnant with Luke, I wanted to have a baby for a long time. I remember a friend telling me that she was pregnant and being very, very happy for her, but only being able to cry out of sheer envy! I wanted to be a mommy. I have had to now resign myself to possibly only having one baby. Luke is amazing and if we only get one, then he is just perfect and all that I will ever need. I want to see him as a big brother. Just yesterday, he was so concerned about a little baby that was crying at the doctor's office that he wandered into her room and tried to kiss her little face. It was precious.
I was not a glowing, happy pregnant woman. In fact, I was just the opposite. I was fat, super fat, and uncomfortable. But every time he moved, I could almost cry. It was exhilarating. I am sad for anyone that is unable to have children. I think that has got to be one of the most difficult things to accept in life. I am honored that I was able to have a child and will never take that for granted.
So Brian is having his radiation in January and I don't think that there is any way that I can convince him to impregnate me before then. So we will deal with what is to come when it gets here, I guess. I am sad about it. And I think it's okay that I feel this way.