This morning was probably the most fun that I have had a Christmas, well, ever! Luke woke up a little earlier than he usually does. When we came out, he saw a giant red Radio Flier under the tree. His eyes got huge and I told him Santa had been here. He looked at me, looked back at the wagon and whispered, "Santa". It was perfect. After he got done opening things, which took quite a while because he wants to play with everything as soon as he opens it, I tried to get him out of his PJs and into a dry diaper and an outfit. He was too excited. He roamed around here in a diaper that was pretty much dragging the ground because it was so wet for almost an hour before Brian finally pinned him down and changed him. He wanted to go outside and play and we kept telling him that he had to have clothes on first. He disagreed. He promptly put on one shoe and continued to run as fast as he could all over the house, in just a diaper and one shoe. I could not stop laughing at him.
I look forward to next year when he will have an even greater understanding of what is happening. I tried to take him to see Santa this year so we could get a picture, but Luke was not interested and I didn't want to force him to sit on the strange man's lap. Santa waved at him, he glared back and told me he was ready to go. So no Santa this year.
I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Don't tell me what to do
I have a bit of heart-heaviness today. Feeling very emotional so thought I would write. This really is my best outlet, but I am going to go for a run later and see if that helps at all.
Yesterday, Brian came home and told me that there was a chance that he was going to have to have his radiation treatment next week. That would mean no Christmas. Once he has the treatment he has to be isolated for 2 days, then cannot be around children for an additional 3-5 days. Today, he emailed me from work and said that he won't be having it done until January. I was relieved.
One thing that the doctor did tell us was that we could not try to have another baby for a year after the treatment because of the risk to a fetus. I was devastated to hear that. If it were up to me, we would already be working on number two. The timing is terrible and we can't afford to have another baby. But, man, do I sure want one. I wanted our children to be close in age. Now they will be at least three years apart. There is also a slight risk that the radiation could effect our ability to have another baby.
Before I got pregnant with Luke, I wanted to have a baby for a long time. I remember a friend telling me that she was pregnant and being very, very happy for her, but only being able to cry out of sheer envy! I wanted to be a mommy. I have had to now resign myself to possibly only having one baby. Luke is amazing and if we only get one, then he is just perfect and all that I will ever need. I want to see him as a big brother. Just yesterday, he was so concerned about a little baby that was crying at the doctor's office that he wandered into her room and tried to kiss her little face. It was precious.
I was not a glowing, happy pregnant woman. In fact, I was just the opposite. I was fat, super fat, and uncomfortable. But every time he moved, I could almost cry. It was exhilarating. I am sad for anyone that is unable to have children. I think that has got to be one of the most difficult things to accept in life. I am honored that I was able to have a child and will never take that for granted.
So Brian is having his radiation in January and I don't think that there is any way that I can convince him to impregnate me before then. So we will deal with what is to come when it gets here, I guess. I am sad about it. And I think it's okay that I feel this way.
Yesterday, Brian came home and told me that there was a chance that he was going to have to have his radiation treatment next week. That would mean no Christmas. Once he has the treatment he has to be isolated for 2 days, then cannot be around children for an additional 3-5 days. Today, he emailed me from work and said that he won't be having it done until January. I was relieved.
One thing that the doctor did tell us was that we could not try to have another baby for a year after the treatment because of the risk to a fetus. I was devastated to hear that. If it were up to me, we would already be working on number two. The timing is terrible and we can't afford to have another baby. But, man, do I sure want one. I wanted our children to be close in age. Now they will be at least three years apart. There is also a slight risk that the radiation could effect our ability to have another baby.
Before I got pregnant with Luke, I wanted to have a baby for a long time. I remember a friend telling me that she was pregnant and being very, very happy for her, but only being able to cry out of sheer envy! I wanted to be a mommy. I have had to now resign myself to possibly only having one baby. Luke is amazing and if we only get one, then he is just perfect and all that I will ever need. I want to see him as a big brother. Just yesterday, he was so concerned about a little baby that was crying at the doctor's office that he wandered into her room and tried to kiss her little face. It was precious.
I was not a glowing, happy pregnant woman. In fact, I was just the opposite. I was fat, super fat, and uncomfortable. But every time he moved, I could almost cry. It was exhilarating. I am sad for anyone that is unable to have children. I think that has got to be one of the most difficult things to accept in life. I am honored that I was able to have a child and will never take that for granted.
So Brian is having his radiation in January and I don't think that there is any way that I can convince him to impregnate me before then. So we will deal with what is to come when it gets here, I guess. I am sad about it. And I think it's okay that I feel this way.
Friday, December 12, 2008
poo
I cannot and will not get excited about poo in any fashion. I have never seen poo and been thrilled. I have only treated poo as it should be treated; with disdane, disgust, holding the vomit in the back of my throat as I rid whatever (ie shoes, baby bottoms) of the stench that is poo.
Luke decided last night that he wanted to sit on the big potty. We took his diaper off and Brian held him on the toilet as he said words like "pee-pee" and "poo" and seemed to understand that was the place to do it. I immediately read up on potty training (only to find that it is actually called "toilet learning") and prepared for cleaning up accidents. I did not, however, realize that toilet learning involves being excited and cheering on a bowel movement. How horrifying! The book said to take Luke into the bathroom with me, explain to him what it is, in detail, that Mommy is doing on the potty. Then, show him what is in the potty when mommy is finished and let him flush it away. YUCK! I WILL NOT! I will not cheer about poo. I will not show someone else, even if it is my own spawn, my poo. The idea repulses me in every way.
Granted, I am all about getting Luke out of diapers and using the potty. I am just not exactly willing to do all that it takes to get there. I can't imagine calling friends to tell them about Luke and his poo. "oh my gosh. you should have seen it! It was amazing!" (insert random throwing-up noises here)Luckily, my husband is just gross enough to do all of this for me. Call me a bad mother if you would like. Then call me and tell me that YOU are going to come over and clap for a BM! I will gladly oblige!
Luke decided last night that he wanted to sit on the big potty. We took his diaper off and Brian held him on the toilet as he said words like "pee-pee" and "poo" and seemed to understand that was the place to do it. I immediately read up on potty training (only to find that it is actually called "toilet learning") and prepared for cleaning up accidents. I did not, however, realize that toilet learning involves being excited and cheering on a bowel movement. How horrifying! The book said to take Luke into the bathroom with me, explain to him what it is, in detail, that Mommy is doing on the potty. Then, show him what is in the potty when mommy is finished and let him flush it away. YUCK! I WILL NOT! I will not cheer about poo. I will not show someone else, even if it is my own spawn, my poo. The idea repulses me in every way.
Granted, I am all about getting Luke out of diapers and using the potty. I am just not exactly willing to do all that it takes to get there. I can't imagine calling friends to tell them about Luke and his poo. "oh my gosh. you should have seen it! It was amazing!" (insert random throwing-up noises here)Luckily, my husband is just gross enough to do all of this for me. Call me a bad mother if you would like. Then call me and tell me that YOU are going to come over and clap for a BM! I will gladly oblige!
Monday, December 08, 2008
I'm sorry
What will make it better? Are there moments when you forget that you are alone now? Did the cards sent and graveside flowers make you miss any less? Does it help to know that people are here for you, or would you rather not hear another apology and offer of kindness? Why do these things happen? why do the rest of us get to continue on with every day while you stop and hold, and hold nothing? How much life do you have to live? A sacrifice that I cannot make and will not make, and you did, and now it's over. Life should be starting over. Instead, it is starting backward.
It's so easy to take for granted the day-to-day. Meals together, morning-breath kisses, having extra laundry to wash. I do it constantly. He comes home, we explain our days, finally remember to greet him with a hug and kiss, and then it's into the kitchen for dinner making and dish washing. End the day with the same routine and back again tomorrow. Wanting to take advantage of every moment, yet still trapped in the same old.
Sorry doesn't cut it for you, so I won't say it again. I will be angry for you and sad for you and confused for you. I will ask God why and still have no answer. I will run. And I will hope that you can heal, but I wonder if you will, and I don't know if you should. I would take a little away. Just a little. I could not handle it all.
It's so easy to take for granted the day-to-day. Meals together, morning-breath kisses, having extra laundry to wash. I do it constantly. He comes home, we explain our days, finally remember to greet him with a hug and kiss, and then it's into the kitchen for dinner making and dish washing. End the day with the same routine and back again tomorrow. Wanting to take advantage of every moment, yet still trapped in the same old.
Sorry doesn't cut it for you, so I won't say it again. I will be angry for you and sad for you and confused for you. I will ask God why and still have no answer. I will run. And I will hope that you can heal, but I wonder if you will, and I don't know if you should. I would take a little away. Just a little. I could not handle it all.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Runnin' down a dream
For those of you that know anything about me at all, you know that I hate running. I don't like anything about it. I don't like the way that I feel when I am doing in or after I am finished. I have stated over and over that I will only run if someone is chasing me. Well all that is about to change, my friends. I have decided to start "training" for a 5k that is in March. It's a charity/memorial race for a friend of mine whose wife passed away very suddenly a few months ago. I never met her but the news of her death was very tragic and hit Brian and I both very hard. So I decided that this would be a great reason to see if I could develop a good relationship with running.
My first step was to email my sister-in-law, who is an avid runner and triathlete for advice on how to get started and what kind of equipment I needed (ie shoes, jogging stroller). That first step is behind me. Now I need to convince Brian that if we spend money on shoes, a stroller and some tight running pants, I will actually use those things and run. I don't know if I can do that but I will give it a try.
After my surgery last summer on my leg, I swore that once I got off the crutches, I would spend lots of time walking and running, doing things that I couldn't do at that moment. I do walk quite a bit, but have never conquered my hatred of running. I may have suffered some psychological damage from a "running" related incedent. I will close my post with a recap of the tale:
Once I was walking quickly around Lake Hollinsworth. I had on regular walking clothes, regular walking shoes, hair pulled back in a regular ponytail. As I neared that halfway point of my walk. A car drove up next to me slowly and someone yelled out the window, "FREAK" in a very loud, obnoxious voice. I was then self-conscious and afraid to take another step. Remember that moment like it was yesterday, and am scared that it could happen again. Not quite sure what made me freakish on that day, but plan to figure it out before I try running.
My first step was to email my sister-in-law, who is an avid runner and triathlete for advice on how to get started and what kind of equipment I needed (ie shoes, jogging stroller). That first step is behind me. Now I need to convince Brian that if we spend money on shoes, a stroller and some tight running pants, I will actually use those things and run. I don't know if I can do that but I will give it a try.
After my surgery last summer on my leg, I swore that once I got off the crutches, I would spend lots of time walking and running, doing things that I couldn't do at that moment. I do walk quite a bit, but have never conquered my hatred of running. I may have suffered some psychological damage from a "running" related incedent. I will close my post with a recap of the tale:
Once I was walking quickly around Lake Hollinsworth. I had on regular walking clothes, regular walking shoes, hair pulled back in a regular ponytail. As I neared that halfway point of my walk. A car drove up next to me slowly and someone yelled out the window, "FREAK" in a very loud, obnoxious voice. I was then self-conscious and afraid to take another step. Remember that moment like it was yesterday, and am scared that it could happen again. Not quite sure what made me freakish on that day, but plan to figure it out before I try running.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I'm in big trouble
On Saturday I am scheduled to take the South Carolina English education exam. It's a two part test consisting of grammar, literature, an essay question about who knows what and how to teach all of those things in grades 7 through 12. I officially screwed. I have been trying to study, bought a study guide and everything, but between caring for a 17 month old child, a grown man who just had his thyroid taken out, working and trying to remember to feed us all, I have procrastinated. And I am doing that now as I write this instead. I took the practice test and missed ONE THIRD of the questions. That's a lot of questions. There were 10 that I left blank because I couldn't even remember the author/literary device/teaching strategy that applied. Let's just go ahead and top it off now with a sick child, so I had about 3 hours of sleep last night and I am anticipating about the same again this evening. So, instead of napping or studying, the two things that I should be doing now, I am trying to get sympathy from my fellow bloggers and I am soliciting prayer as well. I am in way over my head at this point and can only hope that the 3 years that I spent teaching will suddenly flood over me, AND that I will somehow end up with a test designed for people with special needs.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I am not afraid. The unknown is scary and baffling and harsh, but I am not afraid. I feel the breeze on my face and hold the rain in my hand. I see the leaves changing and smell my son's hair when he comes inside after sweating in the yard with his daddy and I am not afraid. I am wrapped in arms that made the universe and are still small enough for me to hold. I can close my eyes when the tears come and see the face of my husband standing with me through tough times and reminding that we are going to be okay. Now I can return that for him. I don't worry about what is to come. I welcome it. I want to see where this rabbit hole is going to go.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Brian
Brian got the results back from his biopsy yesterday and it was not the news we wanted to hear. He has papillary carcinoma, a form of thyroid cancer. The doctor suggested removing the thyroid to insure that there is no recurrence. He will do that on October 23rd. They will check to see if it has spread to any other organs. There is a risk in the surgery of paralysis to the vocal chords but the doctor said that is slim. The doctor is very optimistic that he will be able to remove all the cancer without any chemo or radiation.
Brian is very scared right now. My biggest concern is for his mental state. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He is devastated, understandably. Please be in prayer for him and keep calling. Eventually, I know he will answer. I will keep you updated on his progress. Please pass this on to anyone who knows us, or anyone who will pray. Thank you!!
Brian is very scared right now. My biggest concern is for his mental state. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He is devastated, understandably. Please be in prayer for him and keep calling. Eventually, I know he will answer. I will keep you updated on his progress. Please pass this on to anyone who knows us, or anyone who will pray. Thank you!!
Friday, August 29, 2008
what the...
Who decided that it would be a great idea for New Kids on the Block to reunite? And, more importantly, why didn't they do it at the peak of the "boy band" movement of the late 90's?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Fragile
This week seems to have bombarded me with horror stories of sickness and death. A two year child receiving chemo for the rarest form of Leukemia on the planet. The wife of a friend, the picture of health, a fitness instructor, suddenly passes and the doctors have yet to figure out why all of her internal organs just stopped working. Leaving behind a two year old child and a husband who recently returned from Afghanistan defending my right to sit here and post this.
When we packed our house to move here, certain things were carefully wrapped in newspaper and placed gently into a box that was quickly marked "FRAGILE". The boxes were marked over and over, on all sides to ensure that whomever was lifting and moving it would know that the contents were important, special and breakable. Even still, in spite of all my efforts to protect those items, some things got broken. They were lost and thrown away, but they were all easily replaced by a trip to Target. However, this heavy dose of reality that I have received makes it all to evident that life is just so fragile. Marked on all sides, carefully packaged and planned, and still very easily lost. Unfortunately, not replaceable.
I think of this little girl who will not ever know her mother. I wonder if there is any chance that the 18 months spent with her could leave a memory. I want to believe that things like this just don't happen. I think of her father and grandparents, aunts and uncles telling her about her own mother, showing her pictures and telling her, "look, this is your mommy. She is with Jesus now" and trying to explain why it is that God could allow this to happen. I wonder what people would tell Luke if something happened to me. I would hope that someone would show him my blog.
I am lost in this fragility right now. I want to live forever, but recognize that it could all change tomorrow. I am terrified of this. I am broken now in a very different way. I don't understand and I can't be one of those people that reasons things away by calling it "God's will". Mostly because I can't fathom God's will. I am praying for this family and many others, but I don't know how much comfort hearing about how I am praying, can give someone who is probably very angry with God. I can only continue to do so and can selfishly live in this fragile place, doing all I can to get out of the box in one piece.
When we packed our house to move here, certain things were carefully wrapped in newspaper and placed gently into a box that was quickly marked "FRAGILE". The boxes were marked over and over, on all sides to ensure that whomever was lifting and moving it would know that the contents were important, special and breakable. Even still, in spite of all my efforts to protect those items, some things got broken. They were lost and thrown away, but they were all easily replaced by a trip to Target. However, this heavy dose of reality that I have received makes it all to evident that life is just so fragile. Marked on all sides, carefully packaged and planned, and still very easily lost. Unfortunately, not replaceable.
I think of this little girl who will not ever know her mother. I wonder if there is any chance that the 18 months spent with her could leave a memory. I want to believe that things like this just don't happen. I think of her father and grandparents, aunts and uncles telling her about her own mother, showing her pictures and telling her, "look, this is your mommy. She is with Jesus now" and trying to explain why it is that God could allow this to happen. I wonder what people would tell Luke if something happened to me. I would hope that someone would show him my blog.
I am lost in this fragility right now. I want to live forever, but recognize that it could all change tomorrow. I am terrified of this. I am broken now in a very different way. I don't understand and I can't be one of those people that reasons things away by calling it "God's will". Mostly because I can't fathom God's will. I am praying for this family and many others, but I don't know how much comfort hearing about how I am praying, can give someone who is probably very angry with God. I can only continue to do so and can selfishly live in this fragile place, doing all I can to get out of the box in one piece.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Settling in
Things have not been so easy since we arrived here in Charleston. Our moving day started with Luke, under my not so watchful eye, fell down a flight of stairs in Charlotte while Brian was out getting the Uhaul. I was devastated, he was perfectly fine.
Once we got to Charleston, the air conditioner in our new apartment broke while we were in the process of moving in. It was 86 degrees inside and we were already sweating from the unpacking. Frustrating!
Our new apartment was not only NOT clean, it was infested with fleas. We had to have it bombed, but they didn't do it before we actually got in, so we had to evacuate for a day so they could do it. They also hadn't cleaned the carpets and the former tenants were smokers. Yet another day of evacuating so that could be done! Very frustrating!
However, in spite of all the horrors of apartment living and moving, we are finally settled in. Brian and I were able to have a date too. We went to Folly beach (which is only 5 minutes up the road) and found a rooftop bar. There was a band playing and preseason football on the TV. We obviously fell in love with the place. I felt like I was on vacation but I actually get to live here!
Still feeling quite overwhelmed with the move and another transition, but that's a whole other post...
Once we got to Charleston, the air conditioner in our new apartment broke while we were in the process of moving in. It was 86 degrees inside and we were already sweating from the unpacking. Frustrating!
Our new apartment was not only NOT clean, it was infested with fleas. We had to have it bombed, but they didn't do it before we actually got in, so we had to evacuate for a day so they could do it. They also hadn't cleaned the carpets and the former tenants were smokers. Yet another day of evacuating so that could be done! Very frustrating!
However, in spite of all the horrors of apartment living and moving, we are finally settled in. Brian and I were able to have a date too. We went to Folly beach (which is only 5 minutes up the road) and found a rooftop bar. There was a band playing and preseason football on the TV. We obviously fell in love with the place. I felt like I was on vacation but I actually get to live here!
Still feeling quite overwhelmed with the move and another transition, but that's a whole other post...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Pack it up, light it up and let it fly...
TWO WEEKS AND COUNTING!!!
We found an apartment on James Island in Charleston. We will be living 5 minutes Folly Beach and 3 miles to Brian's school. We pack up the truck here on July 30, head to Brian's mom's house for a quick stop over. We will be storing some things in her garage since we are going from a 2200 square foot house to a two bedroom apartment! All I can think of is how easy it will be to clean such a small place. We have already got every single non-essential thing in the house packed, and some things that we will probably need before we go but OH WELL!! I am just ready for the move to be over. We were also able to find renters for our house here in Charlotte, which is fantastic! We won't lose any money on our lease.
I have started the process of getting my teaching certification in Charleston. I need to go back to work and decided that teaching really is the best option. Brian and I will have the same days off and we can spend our summer's enjoying our time with Luke. We now how to find a suitable day care center for Luke, which makes me very nervous, but he loves other children and I think it will be good for him, and for me too. I am looking forward to getting back into the classroom and I am even thinking about teaching younger kids (middle school) this time around. We shall see!
Lots of goings on here in the Garvin house. I can't wait until I can get back to writing on here about nothing!
We found an apartment on James Island in Charleston. We will be living 5 minutes Folly Beach and 3 miles to Brian's school. We pack up the truck here on July 30, head to Brian's mom's house for a quick stop over. We will be storing some things in her garage since we are going from a 2200 square foot house to a two bedroom apartment! All I can think of is how easy it will be to clean such a small place. We have already got every single non-essential thing in the house packed, and some things that we will probably need before we go but OH WELL!! I am just ready for the move to be over. We were also able to find renters for our house here in Charlotte, which is fantastic! We won't lose any money on our lease.
I have started the process of getting my teaching certification in Charleston. I need to go back to work and decided that teaching really is the best option. Brian and I will have the same days off and we can spend our summer's enjoying our time with Luke. We now how to find a suitable day care center for Luke, which makes me very nervous, but he loves other children and I think it will be good for him, and for me too. I am looking forward to getting back into the classroom and I am even thinking about teaching younger kids (middle school) this time around. We shall see!
Lots of goings on here in the Garvin house. I can't wait until I can get back to writing on here about nothing!
Friday, June 27, 2008
My little man and other stuff too
Last week was Luke's first birthday and it was perfect. We were honored to have a lot of friends and family here with us, including the Deals who came from NC, the Pates, the Sikes family minus one, and Luke's Maddie, of course. We had a great day. Luke is getting so big, I can't believe he is the same little baby that was born just a year ago.
This week, Luke had another first, his first ear infection! Yipee!! We took him to the doctor because he had a cough, he never gave us any indication that he wasn't feeling well, except the cough! He is also teething again-working on getting tooth #13!!
He is also quite tricky. This week he hid his broccoli under his sippy cup. I thought he was eating it and kept giving him more. When he was done and I picked up his cup, there is was, all of it. He got me good. I didn't think he was old enough to hid food yet. Brian hid his broccoli too, in the trash.
We are heading to Brian's mom's house next week for a couple days of R and R, then we are leaving Luke in Furman and heading to Charleston for a couple days to find a new place. Wish us luck...finding a place and leaving Luke. This will be the first time that I have left him overnight and I have to say, as capable as his Maddie is, I am still nervous about it and I am sure that I will be calling all the time. While in Charleston, we will be staying with some close friends of mine from college. Dawn was one of my many room mates and Kenneth and I worked together for about a year. They are wonderful people and we are looking forward to being close to them. Kenneth and Brian have already agreed to learn how to kite surf together. Should be interesting!
I have started packing up the house and it is very different than when we left Lakeland. I am anxious to get out of here! I was sad to leave my home in Lakeland for the uncertainty that was to come. I am so ready to get out of here, I have already taken the pictures off the walls, packed all my clothes and shoes that I won't be needing for the next month, and packed up half the kitchen. I guess that's what paper plates are for!!
This week, Luke had another first, his first ear infection! Yipee!! We took him to the doctor because he had a cough, he never gave us any indication that he wasn't feeling well, except the cough! He is also teething again-working on getting tooth #13!!
He is also quite tricky. This week he hid his broccoli under his sippy cup. I thought he was eating it and kept giving him more. When he was done and I picked up his cup, there is was, all of it. He got me good. I didn't think he was old enough to hid food yet. Brian hid his broccoli too, in the trash.
We are heading to Brian's mom's house next week for a couple days of R and R, then we are leaving Luke in Furman and heading to Charleston for a couple days to find a new place. Wish us luck...finding a place and leaving Luke. This will be the first time that I have left him overnight and I have to say, as capable as his Maddie is, I am still nervous about it and I am sure that I will be calling all the time. While in Charleston, we will be staying with some close friends of mine from college. Dawn was one of my many room mates and Kenneth and I worked together for about a year. They are wonderful people and we are looking forward to being close to them. Kenneth and Brian have already agreed to learn how to kite surf together. Should be interesting!
I have started packing up the house and it is very different than when we left Lakeland. I am anxious to get out of here! I was sad to leave my home in Lakeland for the uncertainty that was to come. I am so ready to get out of here, I have already taken the pictures off the walls, packed all my clothes and shoes that I won't be needing for the next month, and packed up half the kitchen. I guess that's what paper plates are for!!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Things I am thankful for-summer addition
As the weather warms up, I have decided that I should express my gratitude for those things that make summer easier. By the time the actual Thanksgiving holiday rolls around, I won't be thinking of these anymore so here goes.
Streak-free sunless tanning lotion~ For anyone who has ever seen me in shorts, you know this is a priority!
Secret Clinical strength deodorant~ Tank tops are the worst for perspiring!
Sunblock~ all SPF's
Make-up with SPF in it~ once again, due to the pasty whiteness
Watermelon~ It makes me feel like a kid again
Flip-flops~ The perfect shoe! Nothing beats a good pair
Air conditioning~ Who doesn't love it? (everyone but you, Mortons)
Bermuda shorts~ I am so glad that the "daisy duke" style of shorts is gone!
Capri pants~ again due to the pasty whiteness
Ponytail holders~ the inventor was a genius. Thank you, whoever you were!
Pedicures~ Even though I haven't had one in sometime, I know that I will soon and it just feels like summer
Please feel free to add your own giving of thanks for the things that are summer to you. I am sure that there are plenty of things that I have forgotten.
Streak-free sunless tanning lotion~ For anyone who has ever seen me in shorts, you know this is a priority!
Secret Clinical strength deodorant~ Tank tops are the worst for perspiring!
Sunblock~ all SPF's
Make-up with SPF in it~ once again, due to the pasty whiteness
Watermelon~ It makes me feel like a kid again
Flip-flops~ The perfect shoe! Nothing beats a good pair
Air conditioning~ Who doesn't love it? (everyone but you, Mortons)
Bermuda shorts~ I am so glad that the "daisy duke" style of shorts is gone!
Capri pants~ again due to the pasty whiteness
Ponytail holders~ the inventor was a genius. Thank you, whoever you were!
Pedicures~ Even though I haven't had one in sometime, I know that I will soon and it just feels like summer
Please feel free to add your own giving of thanks for the things that are summer to you. I am sure that there are plenty of things that I have forgotten.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
New News
This has been a very crazy week. Tuesday, I headed out the the cancer center in Winston-Salem for another MRI on my calf for my fibromatosis. This is the 6th MRI I have had since last July. My last once showed positive findings for a possible recurrance and with the luck we have been having lately, I assumed the worst. I did, however, get a good report. My tumor has not come backand I don't have to have another MRI until a year from now!! As I was driving home, thrilled with my good news, a rock hit my windshield and cracked it pretty severely. I couldn't do anything but laugh at that. It was just ridiculous.
Luke had his EEG on Wednesday and the test went great. We put him to bed at 11:30pm and woke him at 4 am to make sure that he was sleep deprived. It was exhausting but he slept through the whole thing, which was exactly what we needed him to do. Today we met with the neurologist. He said that Luke's EEg was normal, which enabled us to rule out a couple things; Tourette's disorder and Infantile spasms. We have not been able to rule out seizures. The next step is that we have to keep a journal of Luke' s behavior. We have to first, see if he is having the episodes in his sleep, which means staying up and watching him sleep. Brian and I will take turns staying up for a couple nights to see if it happens. Secondly, we have to see if there is some activity that triggers the episodes, such as being excited, tired, playing or reading. The last test we can do at home is that, during an episode, we have to try to distract him out of it by touching him or talking to him. If he doesn't have them in his sleep, if they are triggered by a stimulus and if we can distract him out of it, it is not a seizure that he is having, but just his body's response to something.
Our doctor answered a laundry list of questions and really conforted us during this time. If we do feel like he is having seizures, they would do an extensive monitor of his brain and try to capture these episodes with the EEG. That would involve hooking the monitors to Luke's head for a 3 day period. We REALLY don't want to do this test (imagine a one year old with wires hooked up for 3 days, Luke won't even wear hats!) so it is a last resort for us at this point. The doctor is going to review the videos of the episodes with several other doctors and give us his opinion based on that. So it's still a little bit of a waiting game at this point but we are able to relax knowing that his brain is working perfectly!
Luke had his EEG on Wednesday and the test went great. We put him to bed at 11:30pm and woke him at 4 am to make sure that he was sleep deprived. It was exhausting but he slept through the whole thing, which was exactly what we needed him to do. Today we met with the neurologist. He said that Luke's EEg was normal, which enabled us to rule out a couple things; Tourette's disorder and Infantile spasms. We have not been able to rule out seizures. The next step is that we have to keep a journal of Luke' s behavior. We have to first, see if he is having the episodes in his sleep, which means staying up and watching him sleep. Brian and I will take turns staying up for a couple nights to see if it happens. Secondly, we have to see if there is some activity that triggers the episodes, such as being excited, tired, playing or reading. The last test we can do at home is that, during an episode, we have to try to distract him out of it by touching him or talking to him. If he doesn't have them in his sleep, if they are triggered by a stimulus and if we can distract him out of it, it is not a seizure that he is having, but just his body's response to something.
Our doctor answered a laundry list of questions and really conforted us during this time. If we do feel like he is having seizures, they would do an extensive monitor of his brain and try to capture these episodes with the EEG. That would involve hooking the monitors to Luke's head for a 3 day period. We REALLY don't want to do this test (imagine a one year old with wires hooked up for 3 days, Luke won't even wear hats!) so it is a last resort for us at this point. The doctor is going to review the videos of the episodes with several other doctors and give us his opinion based on that. So it's still a little bit of a waiting game at this point but we are able to relax knowing that his brain is working perfectly!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Another Luke update
Well we have been waiting for the last 2 weeks to meet with the neurologist concerning Luke's testing that we had done. Our appointment was to be on Wednesday and we are sure ready for some answers. Well, it looks like we have to do the EEG test over again. They hook up electrodes to his head and monitor his brain activity for 20 minutes. They want him to be asleep when they do the test and he woke up during the last one so we have to do it over. SO we have to put him to bed around midnight and wake him up at 5 am. Then we have to keep him awake until we get to the doctor, which is not easy to do in the car, and then put him to sleep once we get there. PLease, Please, please, pray like you've never prayed before that he stays asleep this time. If all goes well, we will meet with the neurologist on Thursday and, hopefully, get some answers. It is crucial though that he sleep during the test. Thank you for your thoughts and concerns for us during this crazy time. I think that for me, personally, I can handle everything that is going on as long as I know that Luke is okay!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Why?
Preface- This is going to be a bad, selfish post, jammed full of negative energy and bitter sentiment. I will preface by saying that I know that there are people all over the world with much, much worse problems then ours, but currently I don't think I know any of them and I feel like complaining.
Once again the Garvin's have been hit with bad news. Brian had a teaching job lined up for the school year next year. We got the call yesterday and thanks to budget cuts, they have revoked his contract. This coming now that the education job fair is over and most teaching positions in the county have been filled. So we are basically back to where we were in January, except now we have a sick child. Oh and my tumor in my leg may be back. Have to have another MRI on Tuesday because the last one showed positive findings.
I just don't get it. I don't know why bad things just keep happening to us. I wake up every day and wonder, "what now?". Of course, the last time I said that, Luke started having his tics and seizures, so I'm scared to ask. That job was the one and ONLY bright spot in an otherwise dismal year. I have been as strong as I know how to be, trusting that God would supply for us and care for us, but I am out of strength. My heart is broken for my husband, who has sent out 750+ resumes in the last 6 months. He has been trying so hard to find work and to take care of us. I just don't understand why all the doors keep closing. Go ahead and say it, "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", "every cloud has a silver lining", "God will make a way". All I hear at this point is "blah, blah, blah". I am tired, exhausted, miserable, sick of feeling like God has left us alone in the dessert to be eaten alive by vultures. I have nothing left to offer in the way of support for Brian. I want to get under the covers and just cry my eyes out until something changes. Did we make a mistake leaving Florida? Should we not have come to Charlotte? What are we doing wrong? I have heard so much encouragement and people telling us that they are praying and I am starting to wonder if God hears the name "Garvin" and just stops listening. (I know that God hears all prayers but I am just pissed off right now). Yes my faith is wavering. My hope is gone. I can't ask God to help us anymore because I don't even know what to pray. I am just...done. That's the only word I can think of. At some point I just want us to be able to enjoy our lives together with our son. I feel like we haven't had a chance to really do that since he has been born, not to mention the stress on our relationship. We make the best of it and luckily, we can communicate about how we are feeling but we work so hard at everything else right now that it's a little difficult to work our marriage. We need a date night or something, but honestly don't want to spend the money to do it because, once again, we don't know when we will have a pay check.
I am angry and frustrated and sad. My heart is broken and I am scared. I am tired most of all, emotionally exhausted. I just don't know what to do.
Once again the Garvin's have been hit with bad news. Brian had a teaching job lined up for the school year next year. We got the call yesterday and thanks to budget cuts, they have revoked his contract. This coming now that the education job fair is over and most teaching positions in the county have been filled. So we are basically back to where we were in January, except now we have a sick child. Oh and my tumor in my leg may be back. Have to have another MRI on Tuesday because the last one showed positive findings.
I just don't get it. I don't know why bad things just keep happening to us. I wake up every day and wonder, "what now?". Of course, the last time I said that, Luke started having his tics and seizures, so I'm scared to ask. That job was the one and ONLY bright spot in an otherwise dismal year. I have been as strong as I know how to be, trusting that God would supply for us and care for us, but I am out of strength. My heart is broken for my husband, who has sent out 750+ resumes in the last 6 months. He has been trying so hard to find work and to take care of us. I just don't understand why all the doors keep closing. Go ahead and say it, "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", "every cloud has a silver lining", "God will make a way". All I hear at this point is "blah, blah, blah". I am tired, exhausted, miserable, sick of feeling like God has left us alone in the dessert to be eaten alive by vultures. I have nothing left to offer in the way of support for Brian. I want to get under the covers and just cry my eyes out until something changes. Did we make a mistake leaving Florida? Should we not have come to Charlotte? What are we doing wrong? I have heard so much encouragement and people telling us that they are praying and I am starting to wonder if God hears the name "Garvin" and just stops listening. (I know that God hears all prayers but I am just pissed off right now). Yes my faith is wavering. My hope is gone. I can't ask God to help us anymore because I don't even know what to pray. I am just...done. That's the only word I can think of. At some point I just want us to be able to enjoy our lives together with our son. I feel like we haven't had a chance to really do that since he has been born, not to mention the stress on our relationship. We make the best of it and luckily, we can communicate about how we are feeling but we work so hard at everything else right now that it's a little difficult to work our marriage. We need a date night or something, but honestly don't want to spend the money to do it because, once again, we don't know when we will have a pay check.
I am angry and frustrated and sad. My heart is broken and I am scared. I am tired most of all, emotionally exhausted. I just don't know what to do.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Just for the moms
I think that today is the best day on the calendar. I think that mothers should be celebrated as often as possible, especially now that I am one! Mothers do way more than kiss boo-boos, pick out clothes for the day, change diapers. We are critics of TV and radio, selecting only the most appropriate things for our children to watch and listen to. We are storytellers, reading endless books with great enthusiasm. We are chefs and nutritionists, making sure that our children are getting a balanced meal as often as they are willing to NOT throw the peas onto the floor or eat the grass or dirt off of it (especially at Luke's age). We are imagineers, convincing our children that the cardboard box they are sitting in is really a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness and a bear (our dog Jake really) is coming to get them. We are heart-breakers, our own and our children's. Nothing is more difficult than having to say no, or standing my ground when Luke wants me to hold him while I am trying to cook dinner or type this email to all of my mommy friends).We are meteorologists, being certain ever day we know what the weather will do so we know how to dress our little ones. We are magicians, magically making the remote control, cell phone, laptop, etc disappear so that our babies can't break them. We are fitness instructors, leading our children through a routine of heart-pumping play and walking exercises. We are spotters, making sure that every bad fall is cushioned if we can, holding up babies by their hands as they learn to walk. We are mourners, expressing our deepest emotions for the cuts and scrapes and barely being able to hold it together for anything more serious than that (trust me, I know!!). We are coaches, teachers, pharmacists, nurses, chauffeurs, housekeepers, singers and songwriters (I make up the craziest songs about drool and poo! I should win a Grammy), peacekeepers and war-starters. I could go on and on. Don't forget that we are also wives and sisters, daughters and aunts. We as women, not just mothers, take on more roles that we can even keep up with.
We are harder on ourselves than anyone could be on us. We try hard, and then we try harder. We become angry when we forget to pack an extra outfit in the diaper bag, or our freakishly strong child tips him/herself over in their high chair (right, Amanda?). We wish that we had the time or the energy to be the sex symbol that our husbands want us to be after a day that starts at the crack of dawn and ends when the Tylenol PM kicks in. We are our worst critics, our own judge and jury. What we should be doing is celebrating our victories and letting it slide every now and then when we don't see our child bump his head, eat a bug, or stick his hands in the toilet then wipe mommy's face with a mysterious wet hand.
I love being a mother, and I love being Luke's mother. And I am good at what I do, most of the time. Sure I have meltdowns, I hand him to his daddy and proclaim my freedom and that I am officially done. I forget to change a diaper every now and then, until it's literally dragging the floor in between his legs (if it doesn't stink, I don't think about it sometimes). But I strive daily to be the best mother I can be. I pray for wisdom, strength, and an eating disorder so I can finally lose these last 10 (or 20) baby pounds. I pray for anti-gravity to take over my prodigal breasts and that they will return home.
Anyways, I say all of this to tell all of you that I love you and your "motherness". It's beautiful. And even if your spouse and children don't do it, celebrate yourself. Do it for me. Enjoy what it is that you bring to the world. You are truly, truly amazing!! I know, because I am too!!
We are harder on ourselves than anyone could be on us. We try hard, and then we try harder. We become angry when we forget to pack an extra outfit in the diaper bag, or our freakishly strong child tips him/herself over in their high chair (right, Amanda?). We wish that we had the time or the energy to be the sex symbol that our husbands want us to be after a day that starts at the crack of dawn and ends when the Tylenol PM kicks in. We are our worst critics, our own judge and jury. What we should be doing is celebrating our victories and letting it slide every now and then when we don't see our child bump his head, eat a bug, or stick his hands in the toilet then wipe mommy's face with a mysterious wet hand.
I love being a mother, and I love being Luke's mother. And I am good at what I do, most of the time. Sure I have meltdowns, I hand him to his daddy and proclaim my freedom and that I am officially done. I forget to change a diaper every now and then, until it's literally dragging the floor in between his legs (if it doesn't stink, I don't think about it sometimes). But I strive daily to be the best mother I can be. I pray for wisdom, strength, and an eating disorder so I can finally lose these last 10 (or 20) baby pounds. I pray for anti-gravity to take over my prodigal breasts and that they will return home.
Anyways, I say all of this to tell all of you that I love you and your "motherness". It's beautiful. And even if your spouse and children don't do it, celebrate yourself. Do it for me. Enjoy what it is that you bring to the world. You are truly, truly amazing!! I know, because I am too!!
Friday, May 09, 2008
quick update
We went to the radiologist this morning to have an EEG. They hooked up wires to his head and chest to monitor his brain activity. They wanted him to be asleep during the procedure so I woke him at 4am. He still decided that napping was not what he wanted to do. He tried to pull all the wires off. I held him for the duration of the testing, but they are now telling us that we may have to do it again because he wouldn't sleep. I know they weren't hurting him, but just watching him there with all those wires attached to his head, broke my heart!
The things that now has me nice and frustrated is that we can't meet with the neurologist until the 21st. So that means two more weeks of waiting to find out what is going on. I hate waiting. I want someone to tell me NOW what is going on. So I guess I will have another update in a couple weeks and I will also let you know if we have to have the test over. Thank you all again for your prayers and concerns.
The things that now has me nice and frustrated is that we can't meet with the neurologist until the 21st. So that means two more weeks of waiting to find out what is going on. I hate waiting. I want someone to tell me NOW what is going on. So I guess I will have another update in a couple weeks and I will also let you know if we have to have the test over. Thank you all again for your prayers and concerns.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Just what I needed
I woke up this morning feeling very overwhelmed and it didn't get easier! We had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Friday morning at 9 am with a neurologist. At around 11:30 am today another neurologist's office called us to set up an appointment. We were quite confused about what was going on. Turns out, the first doctor wouldn't take our insurance plan, so our pediatrician had contacted another doctor to set us up another appointment. I started to get really frustrated thinking that we weren't going to able to get Luke in to see a doctor tomorrow. As you can imagine, I want this done as soon as possible and will pull out all the stops to make sure that it does. I am not opposed to hurting somebody's feelings at this point!! Anyways, we were able to get an appointment for tomorrow at 10:30 am with a new doctor that takes our insurance. That's the good news. The bad news is that instead of having to wake him up two hours earlier than normal, we now have to wake him up at 4 AM!!!! I must have asked Brian a dozen times if he was sure that was what they said. We cannot let him take a nap before we go to the doctor and we can only feed him once before we go. It's going to be a challenge because Luke decides when he wants to sleep, he takes naps when he is ready. I lay him down when he lets me know that it's time and he goes to sleep. When he doesn't get a nap, it's a bad deal! So bad!! Not to mention what mommy is like at 4 am! All of this added to my feeling that I am overwhelmed.
Around 2 pm today I sat down on the floor with Luke. He had eaten his lunch and I had eaten mine. I had loaded the dishwasher, picked up the house a little bit because we have company coming for the weekend, and finally got ready for some play time with Luke. I didn't feel like it honestly. I wanted to let him play alone whole I sat on the couch and watched reruns of Top Chef. I sat down there thinking that there were a thousand things that I needed to be doing: Laundry, vacuuming, moping. The last thing that I wanted to do was sit and read a book or play with Thomas the Train. I did it anyway because that's what mom's do, right?? The second I sat down, Luke crawled up into my lap, wrapped both of his sweet little arms around my neck and gave a big, wet kiss. It was the most perfect moment I think I have ever had. It was almost as if he knew all of what I was feeling and let me know that it's going to be okay. He sat in my lap for just a few more minutes, which he never does anymore because he is too independent for that, and then he was off. I sat and cried. What else could I do?
I sat there with him until about 20 minutes ago until I put him down for a nap, and I loved every minute of it.
Around 2 pm today I sat down on the floor with Luke. He had eaten his lunch and I had eaten mine. I had loaded the dishwasher, picked up the house a little bit because we have company coming for the weekend, and finally got ready for some play time with Luke. I didn't feel like it honestly. I wanted to let him play alone whole I sat on the couch and watched reruns of Top Chef. I sat down there thinking that there were a thousand things that I needed to be doing: Laundry, vacuuming, moping. The last thing that I wanted to do was sit and read a book or play with Thomas the Train. I did it anyway because that's what mom's do, right?? The second I sat down, Luke crawled up into my lap, wrapped both of his sweet little arms around my neck and gave a big, wet kiss. It was the most perfect moment I think I have ever had. It was almost as if he knew all of what I was feeling and let me know that it's going to be okay. He sat in my lap for just a few more minutes, which he never does anymore because he is too independent for that, and then he was off. I sat and cried. What else could I do?
I sat there with him until about 20 minutes ago until I put him down for a nap, and I loved every minute of it.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Luke
I know that I have talked to some of you or texted about what is going on with Luke, but I've decided to put all the info on here. It's a little bit easier than trying to call, email or text everyone.
On April 16th, I started noticing little "tics" with Luke. He was clenching his jaw and his head was jerking backward. It was usually just for a split second and usually when he got very excited. At first I thought it was just a silly face that he was making, since he is doing so many funny things now. I mentioned it to Brian, but he didn't notice anything. I kept a close eye on Luke, trying to determine if I was just being paranoid, or if something was really wrong. One evening, I sat down to read to him, his favorite thing in the world. As I was reading, Brian was watching. The head jerks and clenching were very apparent and seemed to both of us to be involuntary. Brian got the video camera so that he could have something to show the pediatrician. SOme of the tics were so sever that if he was standing up, it would knock him over. We stopped using a steroid medication that he had for his eczema and that seemed to really help. A few days passed after that with no tics at all. We thought that he was better and didn't call the doctor. Every now and then, I would notice a small one when he got very excited, and sometimes just without explanation, but they did seem to be getting better.
This past Sunday, we were all sitting in the kitchen. Luke was playing on the floor and he was laughing at Brian because Brian sneezed (sneezing is VERY funny). His laughing all of a sudden, turned. His chin dipped into his chin, his arms and legs stiffened and began to shake, his laughing turned into an almost choking sound. I don't know exactly what happened but it looked very much like a seizure. We called the doctor right away and she told us to go the pediatric ER. They did a catscan and didn't find any abnormalities, and his blood work was normal. He had another episode in front of the doctor, smaller than the one at home. They sent us home without answers and told us to make an appointment with a neurologist.
We have an appointment set up for Friday. On Thursday, we have to put Luke to bed late and wake him 2 hours earlier than he normally gets up on Friday. They will hook him up to a machine that will monito his brain activity. They want to simulate a stressful situation and try to induce an episode. The doctor did say that his development is normal, he has meet all of his milestones for his age, which is a very good thing. He has also never lost consciesness during an episode, which is also a very good thing.
As a parent, I think that the waiting game is the worst part. I want someone to tell me right now what is wrong and what I can do to fix it. I want to know that my baby is okay and will always be okay. We have spent the last few days watching Luke's every move, never letting him out of our sight. We have videotaped as much as we could so that we can show the doctor exactly what we are seeing. Most importantly, we have prayed. That's all I know to do for him. Even now, as my eyes are filling with tears, I feel helpless, but never hopeless. I know that Luke is my gift from God and I can't imagine for one second that something is seriously wrong with him. Brian and I ask that as many of you that will, please pray with us that everything will be okay.
I will update all of the information as it comes in here on my blog, so please feel free to check it periodically and leave comments. We appreciate all of our friends and family that have expressed their concern during this time, as well as all the other crazy times that we have experienced in the last year. You are all wonderful and we are lucky to have you!!
On April 16th, I started noticing little "tics" with Luke. He was clenching his jaw and his head was jerking backward. It was usually just for a split second and usually when he got very excited. At first I thought it was just a silly face that he was making, since he is doing so many funny things now. I mentioned it to Brian, but he didn't notice anything. I kept a close eye on Luke, trying to determine if I was just being paranoid, or if something was really wrong. One evening, I sat down to read to him, his favorite thing in the world. As I was reading, Brian was watching. The head jerks and clenching were very apparent and seemed to both of us to be involuntary. Brian got the video camera so that he could have something to show the pediatrician. SOme of the tics were so sever that if he was standing up, it would knock him over. We stopped using a steroid medication that he had for his eczema and that seemed to really help. A few days passed after that with no tics at all. We thought that he was better and didn't call the doctor. Every now and then, I would notice a small one when he got very excited, and sometimes just without explanation, but they did seem to be getting better.
This past Sunday, we were all sitting in the kitchen. Luke was playing on the floor and he was laughing at Brian because Brian sneezed (sneezing is VERY funny). His laughing all of a sudden, turned. His chin dipped into his chin, his arms and legs stiffened and began to shake, his laughing turned into an almost choking sound. I don't know exactly what happened but it looked very much like a seizure. We called the doctor right away and she told us to go the pediatric ER. They did a catscan and didn't find any abnormalities, and his blood work was normal. He had another episode in front of the doctor, smaller than the one at home. They sent us home without answers and told us to make an appointment with a neurologist.
We have an appointment set up for Friday. On Thursday, we have to put Luke to bed late and wake him 2 hours earlier than he normally gets up on Friday. They will hook him up to a machine that will monito his brain activity. They want to simulate a stressful situation and try to induce an episode. The doctor did say that his development is normal, he has meet all of his milestones for his age, which is a very good thing. He has also never lost consciesness during an episode, which is also a very good thing.
As a parent, I think that the waiting game is the worst part. I want someone to tell me right now what is wrong and what I can do to fix it. I want to know that my baby is okay and will always be okay. We have spent the last few days watching Luke's every move, never letting him out of our sight. We have videotaped as much as we could so that we can show the doctor exactly what we are seeing. Most importantly, we have prayed. That's all I know to do for him. Even now, as my eyes are filling with tears, I feel helpless, but never hopeless. I know that Luke is my gift from God and I can't imagine for one second that something is seriously wrong with him. Brian and I ask that as many of you that will, please pray with us that everything will be okay.
I will update all of the information as it comes in here on my blog, so please feel free to check it periodically and leave comments. We appreciate all of our friends and family that have expressed their concern during this time, as well as all the other crazy times that we have experienced in the last year. You are all wonderful and we are lucky to have you!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Did I make a mistake??
I took a big step last week. I joined a "Mom's Group". I have looked for one since we have been here so that Luke and I can get out there and make some new friends. I wanted to find a nice, casual group that went to the park and the mall and just hung out, not the baby boot camp, super mom group. So I found one that looked right for us and decided to take the first step. The day that I joined, the girls were having a mom's night out at TGIFridays. I thought that sounded like a great way to get to know everyone without hiding behind Luke. I called the group leader and told her that I would be there at 7pm. I told her that I would call her cell phone once I got there so she could meet me, since I didn't know what she looked like and vice-versa. She thought that was a great idea and that she looked forward to meeting me. So I got dressed in something that didn't have spit up on it, put on make-up, even used lipstick, and headed 30 minutes across town to meet my new induced friends. I arrived promptly at 7pm and made the call. Oddly, though, a man answered the cell phone of the mom I was calling. He told me that it was indeed her cell phone but she didn't take it with her. My first thought was, "she's out without her children and didn't take her phone?" I can't imagine leaving and not having a way to be contacted in the event that something went wrong at home. (That being said I have the utmost confidence that Brian could handle it, but I would want to be reachable) My next thought was devastation. I walked into the restaurant and looked around, hoping that I would magically make eye contact with this group of strangers and they would know that I was one of them by my desperate look. The look that screams, "I need adult conversation and a nice glass of wine. I need companions. I am one of YOU". Ultimately, that didn't happen. There were several groups of women gathered and none of them seemed to be looking for me. I got back in the car and did what all women in that situation would do...I cried like a freaking baby! It was such a big step for me to go and meet strangers and try to make friends, not knowing if we would have anything in common other than our kids. I was let down, hurt, wondering if I had just made a big mistake joining this group and feeling like they didn't want me already. I felt like I was on a blind date and the guy took one look at me as I walked in and hid in the bathroom until he was sure I was gone.
I was supposed to go to a group picnic on Friday with Luke but we just couldn't make it. I don't know if I can do it. I really want to have companions, and I want Luke to have friends to play with, but I just don't know if I can put myself out there again. I hate rejection!
I was supposed to go to a group picnic on Friday with Luke but we just couldn't make it. I don't know if I can do it. I really want to have companions, and I want Luke to have friends to play with, but I just don't know if I can put myself out there again. I hate rejection!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Current Ramble
I have been sitting here for the last 30 minutes thinking about how truly blessed Brian and I really are. I have recently been in touch, via a new college website, with lots of people that I went to school with. I have been reading their stories about miscarriages, divorce, adoption, death, cancer, and other serious conditions and I feel selfishly releaved. I think of where Brian and I have been in the last five years and where we could be and I feel so fortunate. My father is still alive, despite have a pacemaker put in and spending much time in the hospital. I have no cancer in my body, despite the original diagnosis. We have a healthy, beautiful little boy, the joy of my life. Our marriage is thriving, thanks to several years of counseling and God's grace over us. We have a roof over our heads and my belly is full. I complain about so many things every day. My back hurts, I'm overweight, I can't go shopping or get a pedicure, I am lonely, I miss my family and friends, Luke is so heavy...Blah, Blah, Blah...It's ridiculous to even me and it's my complaining. I always say that I am going to do it less but never seem to. I come from a long line of chronic complainers. What a sorry excuse. I just need to learn how to really put things in perspective. I am a very lucky gal and I will make that my new mantra!!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
What's next??
This week has been just about as challenging as it has gotten for us so far! On Sunday, we got up and went to church, came home and had some lunch and Brian went off to his soccer game. He has been playing in a men's league here and it has been a great outlet for him. With all the stress that we have been under, he needed that in a serious way.
around 4 pm Luke went down for his nap and I decided to do the same. About 30 minutes into my sleep, I heard my phone ringing but it was somewhere in the back of my mind and it wasn't enough to shake me to reality. Then I started to hear a horn from the garage. I thought that Brian had forgotten his key. I slowly, and angrily, got up and went to let him in. When I looked out, he was just sitting in his Jeep with tears in his eyes and told me that he needed my help, that he couldn't get out of the car. Brian has had many problems with his right knee stemming back to high school when he had a total knee reconstruction for a torn ACL, PCl and MCL. A few years ago, he had another surgery to remove some bone spurs. He gets injections in his knee a couple times a year because he has arthritis in his knee and there is no cartilage in there. He explained to me that he hurt his knee and needed help getting out of the car. I helped him into the house and got him some ice, only to watch him put it on his LEFT knee!!
Long story short, Brian is on crutches and can't put any weight on his knee at all. He is going to see a doctor tomorrow for the official diagnosis but he is pretty sure that something in there is torn. Meanwhile, I am taking care of Brian and Luke (Jake too) and trying to hold it together. Now is the time that I really wish that we had friends and family here because, man, I could use some help! Hopefully the doctor will be able to give us some good news. We could use some! I'm afraid everyday of what is no come, what other bad thing can happen to us. It's got to end at some point right????
around 4 pm Luke went down for his nap and I decided to do the same. About 30 minutes into my sleep, I heard my phone ringing but it was somewhere in the back of my mind and it wasn't enough to shake me to reality. Then I started to hear a horn from the garage. I thought that Brian had forgotten his key. I slowly, and angrily, got up and went to let him in. When I looked out, he was just sitting in his Jeep with tears in his eyes and told me that he needed my help, that he couldn't get out of the car. Brian has had many problems with his right knee stemming back to high school when he had a total knee reconstruction for a torn ACL, PCl and MCL. A few years ago, he had another surgery to remove some bone spurs. He gets injections in his knee a couple times a year because he has arthritis in his knee and there is no cartilage in there. He explained to me that he hurt his knee and needed help getting out of the car. I helped him into the house and got him some ice, only to watch him put it on his LEFT knee!!
Long story short, Brian is on crutches and can't put any weight on his knee at all. He is going to see a doctor tomorrow for the official diagnosis but he is pretty sure that something in there is torn. Meanwhile, I am taking care of Brian and Luke (Jake too) and trying to hold it together. Now is the time that I really wish that we had friends and family here because, man, I could use some help! Hopefully the doctor will be able to give us some good news. We could use some! I'm afraid everyday of what is no come, what other bad thing can happen to us. It's got to end at some point right????
Friday, March 28, 2008
Don't ask!!!
So last night I went to my best friend Tracy's baby shower in South Carolina. After college I lived with Tracy in that small town for about 6 months so I know quite a few people from the church. I walked into the shower and a lady named Miss Mary came over and gave me a hug. Then, it all turned to poo!! She rubbed my tummy and asked me how far along I was. Oh yeah! As you can imagine, this caused my self-esteem to sky rocket! I explained that I had a baby nine months ago but just hadn't managed to get rid of all the baby weight yet. I walked away from the conversation pretty quickly after that and thought about the consequences of whooping an old lady's ass in the church parking lot after the shower was over. She is officially on my LIST!
The moral of the story is unless you know for a fact that someone is pregnant, don't ever ask them! Ever! Never! Ask someone else who knows that person if they are pregnant but Never, Ever, under any circumstance, ask someone how far along they are.
So on a different note, I started my eating disorder today...
The moral of the story is unless you know for a fact that someone is pregnant, don't ever ask them! Ever! Never! Ask someone else who knows that person if they are pregnant but Never, Ever, under any circumstance, ask someone how far along they are.
So on a different note, I started my eating disorder today...
Monday, March 03, 2008
Lonliness versus being alone
Before Luke was born, Brian was in school getting his MBA. He had class ever Thursday night and I loved it. He was gone before I got home from work and I was usually in bed before he got home. I planned every Thursday night meticulously. I would stop on my way home from work and pick up some dinner, change into my PJ's as soon as I got home and spend the evening catching up on the shows I had recorded all week. I rarely ever answered my phone if it rang. When I was pregnant, I would sit and read books about babies. I had a whole night just to do whatever I wanted. I was alone and it was amazing. I love being around people but those Thursdays were wonderful times for me.
Now I am faced with a whole different situation. I am alone, and lonely. Since we have been in Charlotte, I have learned what it is to really be lonely. I don't know anyone, save a friend who just had a baby two weeks ago so she is exempt, and it is starting to take it's toll on me. I am a social person, so when I spend a week not talking to anyone but Brian and Luke, I find that I am striking up conversations with the lady at the store who is just simply trying to scan my groceries. Poor lady. I go days, even weeks without hearing from anyone and for some reason, I can't make the outbound calls. I have nothing to say. I can only talk about how Luke is doing so much. Not every one wants to hear about his poo.
I have tried to force myself to go to a mom's group in the area but I just can't hurdle it. We have found a church that we like and I am hoping that somewhere down the line I can make friends that way, but for now, it's horrible for me to even go to church because I feel so alone in a huge crowd of people. It's a feeling I have never known before and, honestly, I am not handling it well. I need companionship. I need to sit down over a cup of coffee and pour my heart out about everything and absolutely nothing. I need someone to go with to the mall or the park or for a walk around the neighborhood. I need someone here who sees my child growing and becoming a little boy and recognizes it because they have been with us this whole time. I need a friend, simply and purely. a physical, tangible, face-to-face friend, and I pray that I can find even just one.
Now I am faced with a whole different situation. I am alone, and lonely. Since we have been in Charlotte, I have learned what it is to really be lonely. I don't know anyone, save a friend who just had a baby two weeks ago so she is exempt, and it is starting to take it's toll on me. I am a social person, so when I spend a week not talking to anyone but Brian and Luke, I find that I am striking up conversations with the lady at the store who is just simply trying to scan my groceries. Poor lady. I go days, even weeks without hearing from anyone and for some reason, I can't make the outbound calls. I have nothing to say. I can only talk about how Luke is doing so much. Not every one wants to hear about his poo.
I have tried to force myself to go to a mom's group in the area but I just can't hurdle it. We have found a church that we like and I am hoping that somewhere down the line I can make friends that way, but for now, it's horrible for me to even go to church because I feel so alone in a huge crowd of people. It's a feeling I have never known before and, honestly, I am not handling it well. I need companionship. I need to sit down over a cup of coffee and pour my heart out about everything and absolutely nothing. I need someone to go with to the mall or the park or for a walk around the neighborhood. I need someone here who sees my child growing and becoming a little boy and recognizes it because they have been with us this whole time. I need a friend, simply and purely. a physical, tangible, face-to-face friend, and I pray that I can find even just one.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
You want to do what???
So yesterday I had to have a diagnostic mammogram. I found a lump a few weeks ago and had the doctor check it out and they sent me to have a diagnostic mommogram. I apologize to any male readers (actually, I think Deanna is the only one who reads this anyway!!, this may seem a little graphic. If you have never had a mammogram, I don't recommend one. They pull your breast into a vice-like device, smash it, stretch it, then clamp down on it with the force of alligator jaws. Then you have to hold your breath so you don't accidently tug your way out. You couldn't get out of that thing if your were all lubed up with olive oil. I have never felt anything so uncomfortable in my life. Not to mention, having a radiologist with ice cold hands treating your most intimate parts like pizza dough.
So after that, there was an ultrasound. That was fine, no big deal. The doctor came in and said that it was simply a fluid cyst and suggested that we go ahead and drain it. They gave me a shot of lidocaine to numb the area and stuck in a 9 inch needle to drain it. After the fluid was removed they put air back into the cyst area to try and prevent a reoccurance. Then, just when I thought I was in the clear, they knicked a blood vessel on the way out with the needle. Blood literally started shooting out. The doctor said it was not a big deal and gave me an ice pack for it. It turned black and blue, bruised all to hell.
I know that it is important to have all abnormalities checked. I know that mammograms are life-saving and that my outcome could have been much worse. Someone could have told me that I had cancer (something I don't plan to hear ever again in my life!). But, wow, after that it will seriously make me have second thoughts about wanting to get something checked. It ranked a close second only to child-birth. Hopefully, I won't have to do that again until I am 40!
So after that, there was an ultrasound. That was fine, no big deal. The doctor came in and said that it was simply a fluid cyst and suggested that we go ahead and drain it. They gave me a shot of lidocaine to numb the area and stuck in a 9 inch needle to drain it. After the fluid was removed they put air back into the cyst area to try and prevent a reoccurance. Then, just when I thought I was in the clear, they knicked a blood vessel on the way out with the needle. Blood literally started shooting out. The doctor said it was not a big deal and gave me an ice pack for it. It turned black and blue, bruised all to hell.
I know that it is important to have all abnormalities checked. I know that mammograms are life-saving and that my outcome could have been much worse. Someone could have told me that I had cancer (something I don't plan to hear ever again in my life!). But, wow, after that it will seriously make me have second thoughts about wanting to get something checked. It ranked a close second only to child-birth. Hopefully, I won't have to do that again until I am 40!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Are you kidding me?
So I have just spent the last hour looking online for "mom's groups". I have never done anything like this before but thought that it would be a good way for me to meet some other mothers and try to make some friends here in Charlotte. It is so daunting! There are a million groups to choose from and I don't think that I fit into any of the categories. "Super mom-the group for mothers who can handle it all". "Fit mommies-for the mom that loves to exercise and already has her prepregnancy figure back". "Shopping moms-we power-walk the mall and look for great bargains". "All about our kids-for the moms who want to live vicariously through their children".
How about groups like, "what the hell am I doing?" and "Does anyone know a good babysitter?" and "I'm just trying the best that I can!"? and I would also like to start a group called, "I am never going to fit into my skinny jeans again, and that's okay."
We bought a kitchen table on Craig's list and when we went to get it, the couple had 3 month old twins, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful and very tiny, especially compared to Luke, even when he was that age. The mother kept telling me to call her and she would show me around Charlotte. She stays home and would love to have some company. I heard a certain desperation in her voice, "For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE come and hang out with me so that I can remember what it feels like to have an adult conversation!" Being a mother is scary. I have had it easy so far, I think. As awkward as our situation has been, I haven't really been alone with Luke yet. Brian or his mom have been with me since the beginning. Frankly, I am terrified of the day that Brian goes back to work and it's just me and Luke. I don't know how I will handle it. Maybe it will be great and I will magically have all of my free time back. Luke will start feeding himself and changing all of his own poopie diapers because he knows that they make me want to vomit. He'll have the coffee ready by the time I roll out of bed, and I can go and take a shower because he's just going to watch some Veggie Tales and read the paper. Okay, so I know these things aren't going to happen but I just don't know how it will be. I hope that I am ready for it. Really, I am just a little scared!
How about groups like, "what the hell am I doing?" and "Does anyone know a good babysitter?" and "I'm just trying the best that I can!"? and I would also like to start a group called, "I am never going to fit into my skinny jeans again, and that's okay."
We bought a kitchen table on Craig's list and when we went to get it, the couple had 3 month old twins, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful and very tiny, especially compared to Luke, even when he was that age. The mother kept telling me to call her and she would show me around Charlotte. She stays home and would love to have some company. I heard a certain desperation in her voice, "For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE come and hang out with me so that I can remember what it feels like to have an adult conversation!" Being a mother is scary. I have had it easy so far, I think. As awkward as our situation has been, I haven't really been alone with Luke yet. Brian or his mom have been with me since the beginning. Frankly, I am terrified of the day that Brian goes back to work and it's just me and Luke. I don't know how I will handle it. Maybe it will be great and I will magically have all of my free time back. Luke will start feeding himself and changing all of his own poopie diapers because he knows that they make me want to vomit. He'll have the coffee ready by the time I roll out of bed, and I can go and take a shower because he's just going to watch some Veggie Tales and read the paper. Okay, so I know these things aren't going to happen but I just don't know how it will be. I hope that I am ready for it. Really, I am just a little scared!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Extreme Makeover
So now that there is no more Sunday night football (boo hoo), I couldn't find anything to watch other than "extreme Makeover: Home Edition". This show gets me every single time. These families that are so needy, that have nothing, or have special needs to survive...it just tears me up. Tissues come out, and the waterworks come on.
I started to watch this tonight and thought back over the last year. The year that was so rough for us. I realized how truly blessed we have been. At no point, was my child sick. At no point, were we without a roof over our heads, even though it wasn't always OUR roof. There was never a time that we were hopeless, desolate, hungry, broke, tormented. In our eyes things were rough. We had gone through a rash of things that we have never experienced before, but we were cared for and we found this great new love. There is just nothing like the love that I feel for Luke. I tried to explain how different it is from what I feel for Brian, or my family and friends. It's not stronger, but it's just different. That love has changed so many things for me.
I understand what it means to want to sacrifice for him. I would give every single thing that I have on this earth and in heaven for him to be happy and healthy, and to shelter him from any heartache. I told him tonight how proud I am to be his mommy, how blessed I feel and how God chose him just for me, so that I could be his mommy. I know that he doesn't understand it but I always want him to know.
So the Garvin's, or at least this Garvin, have had a sort of makeover this year. I have never, ever, ever felt that God loves me as much as I feel he does now. I feel like I want to live a better life and be faithful to commitments and friends and family that I cannot ever replace. I want to be the very best that I can be to show God my gratitude for sustaining us though our rough spot and for teaching me so many lessons along the way. I just want to be better. It's just so easy to say, and something totally different to do...
I started to watch this tonight and thought back over the last year. The year that was so rough for us. I realized how truly blessed we have been. At no point, was my child sick. At no point, were we without a roof over our heads, even though it wasn't always OUR roof. There was never a time that we were hopeless, desolate, hungry, broke, tormented. In our eyes things were rough. We had gone through a rash of things that we have never experienced before, but we were cared for and we found this great new love. There is just nothing like the love that I feel for Luke. I tried to explain how different it is from what I feel for Brian, or my family and friends. It's not stronger, but it's just different. That love has changed so many things for me.
I understand what it means to want to sacrifice for him. I would give every single thing that I have on this earth and in heaven for him to be happy and healthy, and to shelter him from any heartache. I told him tonight how proud I am to be his mommy, how blessed I feel and how God chose him just for me, so that I could be his mommy. I know that he doesn't understand it but I always want him to know.
So the Garvin's, or at least this Garvin, have had a sort of makeover this year. I have never, ever, ever felt that God loves me as much as I feel he does now. I feel like I want to live a better life and be faithful to commitments and friends and family that I cannot ever replace. I want to be the very best that I can be to show God my gratitude for sustaining us though our rough spot and for teaching me so many lessons along the way. I just want to be better. It's just so easy to say, and something totally different to do...
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Another birthday!!
On the first day of every year, not only do I get to welcome in another year, I also get to celebrate another birthday. This year was a little different than what I am used to. We were here in Furman and there wasn't much to do. For New Year's Eve, Brian and I went to the drive-in. We thought that it might be a while before we get to that again so we thought that we would take advantage while we still have a babysitter. It was cold but we really enjoyed our night out. We got home in time to watch the ball drop and leap into the new year (thanks Matt).
I guess the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind" really is true. I don't expect a real fuss over my birthday anymore. The older you get, the more it really just becomes another day, but I do look forward to hearing from my friends and family. This year though, I only heard from a very small handful, and, unfortunately, text messaging has replaced the usual phone calls. Luckily, my parents don't know how to text message so I did hear from them. I guess that it's just nice to be thought of on that one day and to feel special and loved. I know that I drop the ball quite a bit on the birthday thing. My Space birthday reminders have become a lifesaver, sadly enough. It's not like when you are a kid and you get all your friends together, put on party hats that match the plates, the napkins and everything else in the room, and have a huge cake in your favorite flavor. Brian tried very hard this year to find a coconut creme pie, which is my favorite, but couldn't get one. We settled for boston cream cake which is a close, very close second.
My point (I'll get to it eventually) is that I really want to be that person that remembers birthdays and anniversaries and calls and sends cards. I don't know if I can be that efficient, but I am going to try!!
I guess the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind" really is true. I don't expect a real fuss over my birthday anymore. The older you get, the more it really just becomes another day, but I do look forward to hearing from my friends and family. This year though, I only heard from a very small handful, and, unfortunately, text messaging has replaced the usual phone calls. Luckily, my parents don't know how to text message so I did hear from them. I guess that it's just nice to be thought of on that one day and to feel special and loved. I know that I drop the ball quite a bit on the birthday thing. My Space birthday reminders have become a lifesaver, sadly enough. It's not like when you are a kid and you get all your friends together, put on party hats that match the plates, the napkins and everything else in the room, and have a huge cake in your favorite flavor. Brian tried very hard this year to find a coconut creme pie, which is my favorite, but couldn't get one. We settled for boston cream cake which is a close, very close second.
My point (I'll get to it eventually) is that I really want to be that person that remembers birthdays and anniversaries and calls and sends cards. I don't know if I can be that efficient, but I am going to try!!
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