This is our week of challenges. Tomorrow, Brian has a full body scan first thing in the morning and an afternoon appointment to get the results. It's all so frightening. They will check his entire body for any traces of cancer cells and then let him know within a few hours what they do or do not find. Luke and I are going with him to the appointment. Thursday, he takes a pill. A radioactive iodine pill. He will isolate himself for days because he is so afraid that he will make someone else sick. He will camp out in the cold because he doesn't want to contaminate our home. He will be alone and I will be afraid.
It has to be the worst time for any man to be alone. He needs us. His friends, his family, his sweet little boy. He needs a distraction, other than the fear of wild animals and creepy-crawlers getting into his sleeping bag. I am afraid that he will return to the place inside his own head that he crawls into and then forgets to live. I don't want him to forget how to be happy and spontaneous and how to laugh. I don't want him to forget himself. I love the way that he is and I want him to be himself.
Don't be afraid. Hold my hand. We can do this together. Don't be afraid. We have walked through worse and we scoffed at the pitfalls and we skipped in the mire. Don't be afraid. I am there with you. Bumps, lumps and ingrown hairs can't phase us. We are stronger than this. Don't be afraid. I am holding your heart inside my heart and I can carry us all the way through.
Don't be afraid. I love you...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
The surprises inside us
Brian has had to go on an iodine-free diet, which will last until his radioactive iodine treatment on January 22nd (that's a whole other post for another day). The list of things that Brian cannot eat is extensive. No dairy (no cooking with butter, cream in the coffee), no eggs, nothing out of a can or any type of processed food, no can soda, no bread unless it is baked with non-iodized salt, basically can't have anything other than fresh fruit, veggies and meat. I am a southern gal and I like to fry things. I like to use butter to make gravy and I like to make casseroles. I use Campbell's cream of mushroom soup as if it was one of the food groups. Needless to say, things have been a little tricky around here.
We started out the first day with a ton of fresh fruit: pineapple, cantaloupe, apples, kiwi, strawberries, cherries, bananas, oranges and apples. I, of course, knew that Brian was not going to be able to survive on these things alone. So I spent 3 hours in the grocery store reading labels. I marinated pork tenderloin in fresh pineapple juice, went to the health/organic food market and bought fresh garlic and ginger, salt-free peanut butter, asparagus, zucchini and anything else that I could think of that was not on the "list". However, by day three, Brian was ready to cheat. He wanted snacks other than dry roasted peanuts and homemade popcorn, so I had to get creative. I have to say that I have really surprised myself. I have made 3 loaves of bread, from scratch with my own, two hands. I have made homemade tortilla chips that I then salted with non-iodized salt, and from scratch peanut butter cookies. And I made mayonnaise with egg whites and a little fresh ground white pepper. This proves my love. I hate mayonnaise. I think it the most disgusting substance around. My point has been proven now that I know exactly what it takes to make it. Yuck!!! I have bought everything I need to make strawberry jam, with the exception of a jar to put it in. I have made salsa without a chopper, slicing each tomato, onion and leaf of cilantro with love and care. I have managed to find saltless potato chips, and a saltless sorbet. I could write a book about how to live an iodine-free lifestyle.
I want to make this diet as easy on Brian as it can be. The less iodine that is in his body, the more effective the radiation treatment will be. I just want to close this chapter and start another one that is light and breezy, titled something like, "Our First Million". I have really been proud of Brian for sticking with this so far, even though it has only been a few days. No Reese's cups, ice cream, nachos with cheese, or anything else that tastes good. Just what I can come up with for us to eat. Oh, did I mention that I am going to be on this diet with him? I can't very well bring Krispy Kreme in the house when he can't have any. We are in this together. And I have to say, I am proud of myself too. It is a great feeling of accomplishment to smell fresh bread baking, even if I can't put any butter on it. It's just as good with organic honey. I am learning that, under any circumstance, we seem to have what it takes to make it work. I may even continue to make some things myself when this is all over. However, I will make a beeline when the neon lights call me home, "Hot Doughnuts Now". What a day, glorious day that will be!
We started out the first day with a ton of fresh fruit: pineapple, cantaloupe, apples, kiwi, strawberries, cherries, bananas, oranges and apples. I, of course, knew that Brian was not going to be able to survive on these things alone. So I spent 3 hours in the grocery store reading labels. I marinated pork tenderloin in fresh pineapple juice, went to the health/organic food market and bought fresh garlic and ginger, salt-free peanut butter, asparagus, zucchini and anything else that I could think of that was not on the "list". However, by day three, Brian was ready to cheat. He wanted snacks other than dry roasted peanuts and homemade popcorn, so I had to get creative. I have to say that I have really surprised myself. I have made 3 loaves of bread, from scratch with my own, two hands. I have made homemade tortilla chips that I then salted with non-iodized salt, and from scratch peanut butter cookies. And I made mayonnaise with egg whites and a little fresh ground white pepper. This proves my love. I hate mayonnaise. I think it the most disgusting substance around. My point has been proven now that I know exactly what it takes to make it. Yuck!!! I have bought everything I need to make strawberry jam, with the exception of a jar to put it in. I have made salsa without a chopper, slicing each tomato, onion and leaf of cilantro with love and care. I have managed to find saltless potato chips, and a saltless sorbet. I could write a book about how to live an iodine-free lifestyle.
I want to make this diet as easy on Brian as it can be. The less iodine that is in his body, the more effective the radiation treatment will be. I just want to close this chapter and start another one that is light and breezy, titled something like, "Our First Million". I have really been proud of Brian for sticking with this so far, even though it has only been a few days. No Reese's cups, ice cream, nachos with cheese, or anything else that tastes good. Just what I can come up with for us to eat. Oh, did I mention that I am going to be on this diet with him? I can't very well bring Krispy Kreme in the house when he can't have any. We are in this together. And I have to say, I am proud of myself too. It is a great feeling of accomplishment to smell fresh bread baking, even if I can't put any butter on it. It's just as good with organic honey. I am learning that, under any circumstance, we seem to have what it takes to make it work. I may even continue to make some things myself when this is all over. However, I will make a beeline when the neon lights call me home, "Hot Doughnuts Now". What a day, glorious day that will be!
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