Did I make a mistake??

I took a big step last week. I joined a "Mom's Group". I have looked for one since we have been here so that Luke and I can get out there and make some new friends. I wanted to find a nice, casual group that went to the park and the mall and just hung out, not the baby boot camp, super mom group. So I found one that looked right for us and decided to take the first step. The day that I joined, the girls were having a mom's night out at TGIFridays. I thought that sounded like a great way to get to know everyone without hiding behind Luke. I called the group leader and told her that I would be there at 7pm. I told her that I would call her cell phone once I got there so she could meet me, since I didn't know what she looked like and vice-versa. She thought that was a great idea and that she looked forward to meeting me. So I got dressed in something that didn't have spit up on it, put on make-up, even used lipstick, and headed 30 minutes across town to meet my new induced friends. I arrived promptly at 7pm and made the call. Oddly, though, a man answered the cell phone of the mom I was calling. He told me that it was indeed her cell phone but she didn't take it with her. My first thought was, "she's out without her children and didn't take her phone?" I can't imagine leaving and not having a way to be contacted in the event that something went wrong at home. (That being said I have the utmost confidence that Brian could handle it, but I would want to be reachable) My next thought was devastation. I walked into the restaurant and looked around, hoping that I would magically make eye contact with this group of strangers and they would know that I was one of them by my desperate look. The look that screams, "I need adult conversation and a nice glass of wine. I need companions. I am one of YOU". Ultimately, that didn't happen. There were several groups of women gathered and none of them seemed to be looking for me. I got back in the car and did what all women in that situation would do...I cried like a freaking baby! It was such a big step for me to go and meet strangers and try to make friends, not knowing if we would have anything in common other than our kids. I was let down, hurt, wondering if I had just made a big mistake joining this group and feeling like they didn't want me already. I felt like I was on a blind date and the guy took one look at me as I walked in and hid in the bathroom until he was sure I was gone.
I was supposed to go to a group picnic on Friday with Luke but we just couldn't make it. I don't know if I can do it. I really want to have companions, and I want Luke to have friends to play with, but I just don't know if I can put myself out there again. I hate rejection!

Current Ramble

I have been sitting here for the last 30 minutes thinking about how truly blessed Brian and I really are. I have recently been in touch, via a new college website, with lots of people that I went to school with. I have been reading their stories about miscarriages, divorce, adoption, death, cancer, and other serious conditions and I feel selfishly releaved. I think of where Brian and I have been in the last five years and where we could be and I feel so fortunate. My father is still alive, despite have a pacemaker put in and spending much time in the hospital. I have no cancer in my body, despite the original diagnosis. We have a healthy, beautiful little boy, the joy of my life. Our marriage is thriving, thanks to several years of counseling and God's grace over us. We have a roof over our heads and my belly is full. I complain about so many things every day. My back hurts, I'm overweight, I can't go shopping or get a pedicure, I am lonely, I miss my family and friends, Luke is so heavy...Blah, Blah, Blah...It's ridiculous to even me and it's my complaining. I always say that I am going to do it less but never seem to. I come from a long line of chronic complainers. What a sorry excuse. I just need to learn how to really put things in perspective. I am a very lucky gal and I will make that my new mantra!!

What's next??

This week has been just about as challenging as it has gotten for us so far! On Sunday, we got up and went to church, came home and had some lunch and Brian went off to his soccer game. He has been playing in a men's league here and it has been a great outlet for him. With all the stress that we have been under, he needed that in a serious way.
around 4 pm Luke went down for his nap and I decided to do the same. About 30 minutes into my sleep, I heard my phone ringing but it was somewhere in the back of my mind and it wasn't enough to shake me to reality. Then I started to hear a horn from the garage. I thought that Brian had forgotten his key. I slowly, and angrily, got up and went to let him in. When I looked out, he was just sitting in his Jeep with tears in his eyes and told me that he needed my help, that he couldn't get out of the car. Brian has had many problems with his right knee stemming back to high school when he had a total knee reconstruction for a torn ACL, PCl and MCL. A few years ago, he had another surgery to remove some bone spurs. He gets injections in his knee a couple times a year because he has arthritis in his knee and there is no cartilage in there. He explained to me that he hurt his knee and needed help getting out of the car. I helped him into the house and got him some ice, only to watch him put it on his LEFT knee!!
Long story short, Brian is on crutches and can't put any weight on his knee at all. He is going to see a doctor tomorrow for the official diagnosis but he is pretty sure that something in there is torn. Meanwhile, I am taking care of Brian and Luke (Jake too) and trying to hold it together. Now is the time that I really wish that we had friends and family here because, man, I could use some help! Hopefully the doctor will be able to give us some good news. We could use some! I'm afraid everyday of what is no come, what other bad thing can happen to us. It's got to end at some point right????