Gravy

Here it is--There are two things for sure that marriage makes you:
1. Lazy
2. Hungry
This could be the worst combination in the world. Before I was married, or even engaged, I was tiny. I walked, went to the gym, was active. I ate salad and veggies. Then, I got engaged. I discovered the comfort of food during that period of time. The stress of planning and paying for a wedding caused me to gain a little weight--enough to have my wedding dress let out 2 weeks before my big day. I thought that after that I would immediately just drop back to my size 2 that I had become accustomed to, that I loved, that enabled me to purchase any piece of clothing I desired. I was wrong.

As I grew in my marriage, I outgrew most of my clothing. And I'm not alone in this. Just about everyone I know that gets married gains the "freshman 15". Men are not the exception. Before marriage, I sat and watched my husband spend $12 by himself at Taco Bell (let's face it-that's a lot of food) and eat every single bite. He was fit and healthy---and then we got married. His gain is not a bad thing in my eyes. I still think he looks amazing. And even though I am not obese by any means, or even overweight by our societies standards, I know that I have packed on my freshman 15. I like to think that when I step on a scale, the extra pounds are because my ring is so heavy. Momentary lapse of reality, that's what that is. I make the excuse that I eat more regularly now, I cook a lot. However, just about everything I make has gravy in the recipe. I learned to cook in the south. It's fried, smothered in butter, and COVERED in homemade gravy. That's the way to do it!

So what now? I talk just about every day about exercising when I get off work and eating salad with no cheese, croutons, or dressing. I say, "Monday I will start my diet and get my membership back at the gym." And then it's the following Monday and I'm eating fries, smothered in gravy and a burger, cooked medium rare with everything on it, and I'm dipping it into the gravy, and my arteries are crying out for mercy. When I realize that I can't make this commitment because I am weak, I go to the old standby-The diet fuel.

I recently spent $150.00 on a weight loss program that consists of taking 7 pills a day and drinking a meal replacement shake for breakfast. I think the goal is to shake the fat off my body because I become so jittery. Then I eat MORE because I want the food to absorb the pills so I will stop looking like I am on crack. But I spent the money and I will take all the pills, weight-loss or not.

Then, there is the South Beach diet. I have two friends who are both amazing cooks that were on this diet. I thought I would give it shot. They give you recipes and a grocery list and tell you what to eat every day. The first two weeks are the hardest, your most limited but where you are supposed to see a big change in your body and lose a significant, but healthy amount of weight. In those two weeks I drank nothing but water, and a river of it. I ate raw veggies, meat, eggs and had no bread...and no gravy. I was committed, no cheating, stayed the course. After those two weeks I weighed in...Not one pound, not one. Not even half of one. Nothing. I was sucking on sugar-free candy to keep my sanity for two weeks and nothing happened. What a waste! I was bitter and felt jaded. Of course my two friends on the diet lost a whole person between them and loved the whole thing. I left my house after I weighed in and stopped at the store. I bought a Mountain Dew and headed straight to Molly's for their famous fries and Guinness Gravy. It was perfection.

My friend Amanda hates gravy. I don't think she is normal. What's not to love? But I digress.

There are the exceptions to the wedding weight, but those are also the people like my former Power Pump instructor who had twins and was smaller after giving birth than she was before. I try to be kind to most people and give them the benefit of the doubt in most situations. BUT people like that, I want to punch right in the face. How does that happen? How do they get to be the exception to the rules of the cosmos, the laws of God, if you will and just stay skinny? I take some comfort in the idea that they are probably unhappy and potential just bad people.

Lastly, there are those with the eating disorders. This is a whole other class of people. I can't understand making oneself vomit. I have an easier time with anorexia-just don't eat. Who wants to vomit? You look for a man with big hands just because you know he'll be able to hold your hair back for you while you are reliving that last meal. Then there are the laxative takers-just as bad. It doesn't matter if you're skinny because you're stuck in the bathroom all the time.

My point (don't really have one-just trying to wrap it up) comes back to one thing-being married makes you happy. It makes you secure and satisfied and frustrated and confused. It makes you want to wake up in the morning for another adventure, and it makes you want to go to bed early to forget the day. But the two things that marriage makes you that you can't control and can't escape are lazy and so very, very hungry.

the end