Political Soap box

Normally, I try to steer clear of all things political. I don't like to talk about my views and in most cases, I don't want to hear about yours either. It's all so controversial and the arguments can go either way. However, today I shall discuss a little bit of politics and a whole lot of other issues. Let me preface by saying that I did not vote for Obama. I did not vote for McCain either. Given the choice, I opted out. So this is in no way motivated based on personal feelings.

As everyone on earth knows, the president gave a speech a few days ago to air in classrooms, encouraging children to stay in school, work hard and make something of themselves. AS I understand there was also a bit of health care reform/political agenda thrown in there. There were many schools that chose not to show it at all. My issue is just this: he is the President of the United States. He is our nations first African-American President (even though, according to my mother, he wasn't born in the US). Regardless of what he is saying, it was an historical speech. And I don't think that ANY child can hear enough encouragement when it comes to making smart choices and doing something with their lives, even if it was laced with political agenda. 10-year-olds don't care about health care reform, but may need to hear the other stuff.

Flash forward to last night's Presidential Congressional address. Will the representative from South Carolina please not make a fool out of himself and all those who voted for him? All this teaches our children is how to be disrespectful. I don't care if Obama was standing there calling the sky green-you can't just yell at him! He is our president, in the highest position of authority in the land, and a grown man interrupts him (rude) and yells over him (rude again) and tries to degrade him in front of others (more rudeness) because he didn't like what Obama had to say. So now children think that it's okay to be disrespectful as long as it's done under the correct circumstances. Are you kidding? I taught high school and it was hard enough to get kids to respect my authority without them having an adult as the worst example imaginable.

I think that more and more, we are only presenting one side of every story, be it politically or elsewhere. We are trying not to expose our children to too many varying opinions. But I think that what we are keeping them from, in most cases, not all, is forming an opinion of their own. This is true especially where it comes to Christianity. I am not saying that it is okay to expose them to all the craziness of the world, but sheltering them from everything breeds ignorance. I want to teach Luke how to think for himself, how to defend his ideas and morals and beliefs. I think that a great opportunity has been missed and will continue to be missed when it comes to all this Presidential controversy. We are presented every day with chances to talk to our kids and teach them something based on what they see and hear, and those chances are passing us by. Reality is that if we don't teach them or use these moments to help shape them into respectful, responsible adults, someone else will get to our children first. They will see and hear plenty that we aren't aware of so these things that we know they are exposed to must me taken advantage of. I don't want Luke to walk into any situation blindly. I want him to know what he believes and why he believes it and to stand behind his convictions with pride, be it political or religious or just why the Red Sox are the best baseball team ever.

I am preparing myself as I post this to hear a backlash from anti-Obama folks and that's fine. I will stand by my blog proudly and defend my words. You know why? Because I have an opinion that I consider educated. Someone let me hear both sides.

Marriage

So lately it seems that I have a lot of trouble finding people who are happily married and I am just fed up, I guess. Every time I turn around, someone I know, who is wonderful and committed to being married, is being left behind by someone who just doesn't feel like it anymore. I don't get it. When did marriage vows become so optional? No where in our vows did Brian and I say that we would love, honor and respect each other when it was easy and fun. I want to slap some people with a healthy dose if reality-MARRIAGE IS FREAKING HARD!! There is no white horse, Prince Charming, Rapunzel-let-down-your-hair nonsense. WAKE THE FREAK UP!! What other part of your life is like that? Do you get up in the morning with cartoon birds flying around outside and bunny rabbits bringing you your coffee? If you do, you better lay off the Acid! Good Lord!!
I get so frustrated with this because I know so many people that just quit. It's too hard. I don't love you anymore. I don't want to do this. COWARDS! All of them. Keep your stupid excuses to yourself and just say this: "I'm weak. I don't like responsibility. I'm lazy and this is just too much work". If people treated their actual jobs the same way they treat their marriages, the unemployment rate would be triple what it is now. It's work people!
The thing that gets me is when you leave a marriage for another person. THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER!!! Now you have a whole new person to screw over and guess what? It's still not a fairy tale! They still fart in the bed and leave the dishes in the sink and get fat after they have a baby, and they still don't want to have sex with you because you are still YOU! Grab a mirror. Look in it and say this: "I am the reason I am unhappy. I am a coward. I am weak. I am a child and t some point I should learn how to wipe my own ...etc. etc."
Go ahead and tell me to hop off my soap box, but the beauty of it is is that this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. I don't have a perfect marriage by any means, but Brian and I both work every day to make sure that we just get through that day without hurting each others feelings and trying to make the most of the time that we have together and with Luke (Don't EVEN get me started on people leaving their kids! AUGH!!!). We try to respect each other, be open and honest with each other and meet each others needs emotionally and physically. But, we went to a marriage counselor for 2 years to figure all that out. Beforehand, we were just as miserable as we could possibly be. Ya know why? The stupid freaking fairy tale! Stupid! I thought that I would come home from work and Brian would be waiting to rub my feet and then immediately following my foot rub, he would clean the toilets and cook dinner. We would make passionate love and fall asleep smiling. (I just threw up a little! GAG!) And it wasn't just me. He had his fairy tale too, but we ain't gettin' into that (if you know what I mean). YIKES!
I think it is not just a marriage issue. i think that people generally are not as willing to make commitments and stick to them as they were in the "Good Ol' Days". It is easier to quit. But easier is rarely ever better. If you work for what you want, you appreciate it so much more than if someone hands you everything on a silver platter. Life is work, happiness takes work. AND seriously, marriage is work. Strenuous, difficult, and sometimes tedious work. Wonderful, beautiful, worth-every-second-of-it work.
For those of you that I know that are alone, left by the lazy, coward, slacker, so-and-so's, please know that I pray that you will find happiness with someone willing to work as hard as you have. Know that there is only so much that you can control and don't blame yourselves. You were committed. You did all you could. Know that I also pray that those that have left you will be plagued with rashes and body hair, bad breath and Man-boobs. But know this too. Chances are, they already know how badly they screwed up and their stupid pride won't let them tell you so I will do it for you. Friends-THEY SCREWED UP!! (I love you and you all know who you are!)

Optimism

Last Thursday night, I watch a show hosted by Michael J. Fox called "Adventures of an eternal optimist". He was discussing his Parkinson's Disease and how hopeful he is for a cure. He traveled to various places and talked to people who have a positive outlook on life. I have never considered myself to be an optimist by any means. In fact, I have always leaned, okay ran straight into, the pessimistic side of things. I am a self-proclaimed worrier. I am one who wakes up every day and thinks, "If I can just get through this day without anything bad happening to me or anyone that I know..." But things seem to be turning around for me lately.
I don't know what it is but I am starting to see the good, the positive in every situation that faces me. I have discovered that I am...brace yourselves...happy with my life. I know that sounds a little crazy but I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for, and those things make me happy. I feel fortunate to have a job, a great job that I enjoy, especially when so many are out of work. I feel lucky to have such a devoted husband, especially when I see so many marriages crumbling around me. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful child, especially when there are so many people who can't have children, or simply don't appreciate the gift that children can be.
I don't have every material thing that I would like to have. I want a house instead of an apartment. I would love to have a boat to enjoy on the weekends. I would like to weigh 115 pounds again. But not one of those things can make me feel any happier than I am today. They can certainly be contributors though! I am learning to look for the silver lining, and even if it isn't immediate, and I can't see it in the middle of the situation, it will be there eventually.
I have spent a great deal of time in my life feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what is happening, what happened, what is going to happen. I have tried very hard to change my circumstances when what I should have been doing all along was changing my reaction to those circumstances. I can't always have a hand in the way things go. I can't always pick what will happen next. I can, however, choose how it will effect me, how I will respond to it. I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to be an optimist. I want to see the good in people, in situations, in a world that seems to be nothing but bad news.
Now the reality is that there are days when being optimistic is easier than others. I am, by no means, one of those people "a la Rachel Ray". You know, the kind that you want to punch in the face, just to see if you can give them something to cry about. I am not being fake. In fact, I think that this is the closest to being myself that I have ever felt. It feels good to wake up every day and notice all the blessing that I have been given. I have never done that before.
So maybe this is a passing phase, but I hope not. I would like to stay in this mindset and really start enjoying life for once. I know that there are going to be those days when I just melt down for various reasons, but happiness and optimism are new choices that I am making. We'll see how it goes...

Oh, teenagers!

So I am in California this week assisting Brian as a chaperone for six students that are participating in a national DECA competition. If I had any idea what "DECA" stands for I would tell you, but I really don't know. I know that it has to do with business-type things. Anyhoo, we are in Anaheim and today was a free day, our only free day of the trip. We left it up to the three girls and three boys to decide what they would like to do with their free day. As you may or may not know, Anaheim is home to Disney Land. In fact, if I look out of my hotel room window, I can see portions of the park when it's not so smoggy. There are beaches, pro sports teams, and a wealth of other things to do. Did I mention M-i-c-k-e-y M-o-u-s-e?
These teenagers decided that they wanted to see famous people. They wanted to go to Hollywood, the walk of fame, Grouman's Chinese theatre, Rodeo Drive, the Sunset Strip and the Santa Monica Pier.
Hello? Teenager? Donald, Goofy, the whole gang? No? OKay, how about Universal Studios? Knott's Berry Farm? Nope. Hollywood. So we went. We saw street performers, crazy people who were clearly taking hallucinagenic drugs, people wearing protective Swine Flu masks (which I was totally jealous of) and lots of fancy cars. No famous people.
I was not surprised by the choice that they made to go to Hollywood. I have to admit, even though I have seen it before, it was very exciting to see the big sign again on the side of the mountain. In a society where we talk about celebrities by their first names, as if we actually know them, where we watch shows like TMZ and buy People magagine so we can see who the most beautiful people in the "world" are, where the emphasis is on what you have and don't have, we miss out on Mickey Mouse and spend the day trying not to get pick-pocketed in hopes that someone famous will stroll by. As I listened to them talk about the cars, houses, clothes, weight, music, status, lifestyle, I realized just how happy I am. I have everything that I need and most things that I want. At one point in my life, I was going to be famous. I was going to Nashville and I was going to be "found", however, my parents decided that I was not going to Nashville so I had to make other plans. I sang in 368 weddings, 2 graduations, a funeral, a bar or two, and I was sure that being "found" was going to make me happy. I still think about that sometimes and how nice it would be. Not for the fame, but a little for the money. Mostly just because I miss singing.
I don't miss being in high school and being torn between being an adult and still wanted to be taken care of. These kids are all seniors and are about to be faced with serious decisions regarding their futures. And I got to tell you that, based on the Hollywood choice, I'm a little nervous for them. I mean, seriously. It's Mickey Mouse! Can you tell that I really wanted to go to Disney Land?

blah...

This morning...have to get some medicine for this cold and sinus infection...hurry up antibiotics... get this mess out of here so I can function...Go to Walgreens... figure out what I need. Is it sinus? Allergy? Cold? Do I have a cough? Is a "productive" cough or should I get something to loosen up the phlegm? Nope...Dry cough. Scratchy throat? Sinus pain and pressure, or just pain? Congestion? Chest congestion or just sinuses? Sinus headache? YES! That's me. Sinus headache with pain and pressure...oh no, this one says for fever. Don't have that. Sinus...oh okay, here sinus headache...oh, no...May caused marked drowsiness. Can't take that...I am on the way to work. Let's see...here it is...sinus medicine for headache, pain, pressure, congestion...Perfect, just what I need.
This afternoon...Why do I still feel like someone is squeezing my head? Read the label on the medicine...yup...got the right thing...should have kept my $7.00 and bought chocolate Easter candy...would have had the same effect...might have been better...could have had a sugar rush instead of a medicine fog...non-drowsy, my arse...Would anyone notice if I put my head down? Can't do that, makes the pressure worse...there is ample napping room under my desk...no one would even see me.
When can I take another dose of something different? Is that safe? Should I just take some regular pain medicine? Stupid liars at the medicine factory...I don't feel any better...sucked me in with their promise of relief and fancy packaging...it's not nice to prey on the sick...I think I am delirious...5 more hours of work...awesome...I am certainly going to get a lot done today...I'll be under the desk if anyone needs me...

My little man

I had to sit down last night and make a list of things that make Luke special. It's for his new teacher. I could barely sum it all up on one piece of paper. I know that all mothers feel this way about their children. I even think that I go a little overboard when I brag about him. As much as I don't want to be "that mother" who acts all crazy about her child, I do want to tell you a few things about him that I think, make him so very special.
He is polite. He says please and thank you, wipes his own runny nose and covers his mouth when he coughs. He loves to "read" to himself. He will sit in his rocking chair with his books, turn the pages and mumble the words to himself. He has even managed to memorize a couple books and can tell me what is coming next before he even turns the page. He plays ball with Brian every day. He can't catch yet, but loves to watch Brian throw the ball straight up into the air, as high as he can. He mimics Brian's movements and pretends that he is the one throwing it, stretching his arms high over his head and jumping up on his tip-toes. He loves music. He has a drum an keeps a pretty steady beat already. He is a dancing machine too!! Like most children, Luke loves to run around naked. When he gets out of the tub, he escapes and runs through the house, pointing to his chest and yelling, "NAKED". He gives the best hugs and kisses too.
I could go on and on and on about all the things that make him so very special, but I will stop myself. I will just note that, during the last few months, I have needed Luke as much as he has needed me. When Brian was gone into his isolation, Luke would lay in the bed with me sometimes and take his naps. He was so warm and cuddly. I needed him to remind me that things were going to be okay. I needed the distraction that he was to me. And the reunion that he and Brian had after it was over is an image that will be burned into my head forever. He was so excited to see his daddy that he fell off the couch, trying to get to him as fast as he could. He has his tantrums and meltdowns, hits and throws things when he gets upset, sneaks his pacifier into his mouth when I am not looking, and can just be downright rotten. I am not foolish enough to think that he is perfect, but he is my beautiful mess.
In the morning I will get up and get us both ready for his first day of school. I will have to take him to that place and drop him off and spend the day praying that he is having the time of his life, but not so much fun that he doesn't want to come see his mommy. I am sure that it will be harder for me than it will for him. It's going to be strange to not spend my entire day with him. I am very proud of the child that he already is and know that he will continue to make me proud in his new surroundings. He is my biggest blessing, my gift from God that makes everything in this world seem all better!

Beginning again

This is our week of challenges. Tomorrow, Brian has a full body scan first thing in the morning and an afternoon appointment to get the results. It's all so frightening. They will check his entire body for any traces of cancer cells and then let him know within a few hours what they do or do not find. Luke and I are going with him to the appointment. Thursday, he takes a pill. A radioactive iodine pill. He will isolate himself for days because he is so afraid that he will make someone else sick. He will camp out in the cold because he doesn't want to contaminate our home. He will be alone and I will be afraid.
It has to be the worst time for any man to be alone. He needs us. His friends, his family, his sweet little boy. He needs a distraction, other than the fear of wild animals and creepy-crawlers getting into his sleeping bag. I am afraid that he will return to the place inside his own head that he crawls into and then forgets to live. I don't want him to forget how to be happy and spontaneous and how to laugh. I don't want him to forget himself. I love the way that he is and I want him to be himself.
Don't be afraid. Hold my hand. We can do this together. Don't be afraid. We have walked through worse and we scoffed at the pitfalls and we skipped in the mire. Don't be afraid. I am there with you. Bumps, lumps and ingrown hairs can't phase us. We are stronger than this. Don't be afraid. I am holding your heart inside my heart and I can carry us all the way through.
Don't be afraid. I love you...

The surprises inside us

Brian has had to go on an iodine-free diet, which will last until his radioactive iodine treatment on January 22nd (that's a whole other post for another day). The list of things that Brian cannot eat is extensive. No dairy (no cooking with butter, cream in the coffee), no eggs, nothing out of a can or any type of processed food, no can soda, no bread unless it is baked with non-iodized salt, basically can't have anything other than fresh fruit, veggies and meat. I am a southern gal and I like to fry things. I like to use butter to make gravy and I like to make casseroles. I use Campbell's cream of mushroom soup as if it was one of the food groups. Needless to say, things have been a little tricky around here.
We started out the first day with a ton of fresh fruit: pineapple, cantaloupe, apples, kiwi, strawberries, cherries, bananas, oranges and apples. I, of course, knew that Brian was not going to be able to survive on these things alone. So I spent 3 hours in the grocery store reading labels. I marinated pork tenderloin in fresh pineapple juice, went to the health/organic food market and bought fresh garlic and ginger, salt-free peanut butter, asparagus, zucchini and anything else that I could think of that was not on the "list". However, by day three, Brian was ready to cheat. He wanted snacks other than dry roasted peanuts and homemade popcorn, so I had to get creative. I have to say that I have really surprised myself. I have made 3 loaves of bread, from scratch with my own, two hands. I have made homemade tortilla chips that I then salted with non-iodized salt, and from scratch peanut butter cookies. And I made mayonnaise with egg whites and a little fresh ground white pepper. This proves my love. I hate mayonnaise. I think it the most disgusting substance around. My point has been proven now that I know exactly what it takes to make it. Yuck!!! I have bought everything I need to make strawberry jam, with the exception of a jar to put it in. I have made salsa without a chopper, slicing each tomato, onion and leaf of cilantro with love and care. I have managed to find saltless potato chips, and a saltless sorbet. I could write a book about how to live an iodine-free lifestyle.
I want to make this diet as easy on Brian as it can be. The less iodine that is in his body, the more effective the radiation treatment will be. I just want to close this chapter and start another one that is light and breezy, titled something like, "Our First Million". I have really been proud of Brian for sticking with this so far, even though it has only been a few days. No Reese's cups, ice cream, nachos with cheese, or anything else that tastes good. Just what I can come up with for us to eat. Oh, did I mention that I am going to be on this diet with him? I can't very well bring Krispy Kreme in the house when he can't have any. We are in this together. And I have to say, I am proud of myself too. It is a great feeling of accomplishment to smell fresh bread baking, even if I can't put any butter on it. It's just as good with organic honey. I am learning that, under any circumstance, we seem to have what it takes to make it work. I may even continue to make some things myself when this is all over. However, I will make a beeline when the neon lights call me home, "Hot Doughnuts Now". What a day, glorious day that will be!

The merriest...

This morning was probably the most fun that I have had a Christmas, well, ever! Luke woke up a little earlier than he usually does. When we came out, he saw a giant red Radio Flier under the tree. His eyes got huge and I told him Santa had been here. He looked at me, looked back at the wagon and whispered, "Santa". It was perfect. After he got done opening things, which took quite a while because he wants to play with everything as soon as he opens it, I tried to get him out of his PJs and into a dry diaper and an outfit. He was too excited. He roamed around here in a diaper that was pretty much dragging the ground because it was so wet for almost an hour before Brian finally pinned him down and changed him. He wanted to go outside and play and we kept telling him that he had to have clothes on first. He disagreed. He promptly put on one shoe and continued to run as fast as he could all over the house, in just a diaper and one shoe. I could not stop laughing at him.
I look forward to next year when he will have an even greater understanding of what is happening. I tried to take him to see Santa this year so we could get a picture, but Luke was not interested and I didn't want to force him to sit on the strange man's lap. Santa waved at him, he glared back and told me he was ready to go. So no Santa this year.
I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday.

Make a Smilebox greeting

Don't tell me what to do

I have a bit of heart-heaviness today. Feeling very emotional so thought I would write. This really is my best outlet, but I am going to go for a run later and see if that helps at all.
Yesterday, Brian came home and told me that there was a chance that he was going to have to have his radiation treatment next week. That would mean no Christmas. Once he has the treatment he has to be isolated for 2 days, then cannot be around children for an additional 3-5 days. Today, he emailed me from work and said that he won't be having it done until January. I was relieved.
One thing that the doctor did tell us was that we could not try to have another baby for a year after the treatment because of the risk to a fetus. I was devastated to hear that. If it were up to me, we would already be working on number two. The timing is terrible and we can't afford to have another baby. But, man, do I sure want one. I wanted our children to be close in age. Now they will be at least three years apart. There is also a slight risk that the radiation could effect our ability to have another baby.
Before I got pregnant with Luke, I wanted to have a baby for a long time. I remember a friend telling me that she was pregnant and being very, very happy for her, but only being able to cry out of sheer envy! I wanted to be a mommy. I have had to now resign myself to possibly only having one baby. Luke is amazing and if we only get one, then he is just perfect and all that I will ever need. I want to see him as a big brother. Just yesterday, he was so concerned about a little baby that was crying at the doctor's office that he wandered into her room and tried to kiss her little face. It was precious.
I was not a glowing, happy pregnant woman. In fact, I was just the opposite. I was fat, super fat, and uncomfortable. But every time he moved, I could almost cry. It was exhilarating. I am sad for anyone that is unable to have children. I think that has got to be one of the most difficult things to accept in life. I am honored that I was able to have a child and will never take that for granted.
So Brian is having his radiation in January and I don't think that there is any way that I can convince him to impregnate me before then. So we will deal with what is to come when it gets here, I guess. I am sad about it. And I think it's okay that I feel this way.

poo

I cannot and will not get excited about poo in any fashion. I have never seen poo and been thrilled. I have only treated poo as it should be treated; with disdane, disgust, holding the vomit in the back of my throat as I rid whatever (ie shoes, baby bottoms) of the stench that is poo.

Luke decided last night that he wanted to sit on the big potty. We took his diaper off and Brian held him on the toilet as he said words like "pee-pee" and "poo" and seemed to understand that was the place to do it. I immediately read up on potty training (only to find that it is actually called "toilet learning") and prepared for cleaning up accidents. I did not, however, realize that toilet learning involves being excited and cheering on a bowel movement. How horrifying! The book said to take Luke into the bathroom with me, explain to him what it is, in detail, that Mommy is doing on the potty. Then, show him what is in the potty when mommy is finished and let him flush it away. YUCK! I WILL NOT! I will not cheer about poo. I will not show someone else, even if it is my own spawn, my poo. The idea repulses me in every way.

Granted, I am all about getting Luke out of diapers and using the potty. I am just not exactly willing to do all that it takes to get there. I can't imagine calling friends to tell them about Luke and his poo. "oh my gosh. you should have seen it! It was amazing!" (insert random throwing-up noises here)Luckily, my husband is just gross enough to do all of this for me. Call me a bad mother if you would like. Then call me and tell me that YOU are going to come over and clap for a BM! I will gladly oblige!

I'm sorry

What will make it better? Are there moments when you forget that you are alone now? Did the cards sent and graveside flowers make you miss any less? Does it help to know that people are here for you, or would you rather not hear another apology and offer of kindness? Why do these things happen? why do the rest of us get to continue on with every day while you stop and hold, and hold nothing? How much life do you have to live? A sacrifice that I cannot make and will not make, and you did, and now it's over. Life should be starting over. Instead, it is starting backward.
It's so easy to take for granted the day-to-day. Meals together, morning-breath kisses, having extra laundry to wash. I do it constantly. He comes home, we explain our days, finally remember to greet him with a hug and kiss, and then it's into the kitchen for dinner making and dish washing. End the day with the same routine and back again tomorrow. Wanting to take advantage of every moment, yet still trapped in the same old.
Sorry doesn't cut it for you, so I won't say it again. I will be angry for you and sad for you and confused for you. I will ask God why and still have no answer. I will run. And I will hope that you can heal, but I wonder if you will, and I don't know if you should. I would take a little away. Just a little. I could not handle it all.

Runnin' down a dream

For those of you that know anything about me at all, you know that I hate running. I don't like anything about it. I don't like the way that I feel when I am doing in or after I am finished. I have stated over and over that I will only run if someone is chasing me. Well all that is about to change, my friends. I have decided to start "training" for a 5k that is in March. It's a charity/memorial race for a friend of mine whose wife passed away very suddenly a few months ago. I never met her but the news of her death was very tragic and hit Brian and I both very hard. So I decided that this would be a great reason to see if I could develop a good relationship with running.
My first step was to email my sister-in-law, who is an avid runner and triathlete for advice on how to get started and what kind of equipment I needed (ie shoes, jogging stroller). That first step is behind me. Now I need to convince Brian that if we spend money on shoes, a stroller and some tight running pants, I will actually use those things and run. I don't know if I can do that but I will give it a try.
After my surgery last summer on my leg, I swore that once I got off the crutches, I would spend lots of time walking and running, doing things that I couldn't do at that moment. I do walk quite a bit, but have never conquered my hatred of running. I may have suffered some psychological damage from a "running" related incedent. I will close my post with a recap of the tale:
Once I was walking quickly around Lake Hollinsworth. I had on regular walking clothes, regular walking shoes, hair pulled back in a regular ponytail. As I neared that halfway point of my walk. A car drove up next to me slowly and someone yelled out the window, "FREAK" in a very loud, obnoxious voice. I was then self-conscious and afraid to take another step. Remember that moment like it was yesterday, and am scared that it could happen again. Not quite sure what made me freakish on that day, but plan to figure it out before I try running.

I'm in big trouble

On Saturday I am scheduled to take the South Carolina English education exam. It's a two part test consisting of grammar, literature, an essay question about who knows what and how to teach all of those things in grades 7 through 12. I officially screwed. I have been trying to study, bought a study guide and everything, but between caring for a 17 month old child, a grown man who just had his thyroid taken out, working and trying to remember to feed us all, I have procrastinated. And I am doing that now as I write this instead. I took the practice test and missed ONE THIRD of the questions. That's a lot of questions. There were 10 that I left blank because I couldn't even remember the author/literary device/teaching strategy that applied. Let's just go ahead and top it off now with a sick child, so I had about 3 hours of sleep last night and I am anticipating about the same again this evening. So, instead of napping or studying, the two things that I should be doing now, I am trying to get sympathy from my fellow bloggers and I am soliciting prayer as well. I am in way over my head at this point and can only hope that the 3 years that I spent teaching will suddenly flood over me, AND that I will somehow end up with a test designed for people with special needs.

I am not afraid. The unknown is scary and baffling and harsh, but I am not afraid. I feel the breeze on my face and hold the rain in my hand. I see the leaves changing and smell my son's hair when he comes inside after sweating in the yard with his daddy and I am not afraid. I am wrapped in arms that made the universe and are still small enough for me to hold. I can close my eyes when the tears come and see the face of my husband standing with me through tough times and reminding that we are going to be okay. Now I can return that for him. I don't worry about what is to come. I welcome it. I want to see where this rabbit hole is going to go.

Brian

Brian got the results back from his biopsy yesterday and it was not the news we wanted to hear. He has papillary carcinoma, a form of thyroid cancer. The doctor suggested removing the thyroid to insure that there is no recurrence. He will do that on October 23rd. They will check to see if it has spread to any other organs. There is a risk in the surgery of paralysis to the vocal chords but the doctor said that is slim. The doctor is very optimistic that he will be able to remove all the cancer without any chemo or radiation.



Brian is very scared right now. My biggest concern is for his mental state. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He is devastated, understandably. Please be in prayer for him and keep calling. Eventually, I know he will answer. I will keep you updated on his progress. Please pass this on to anyone who knows us, or anyone who will pray. Thank you!!

what the...

Who decided that it would be a great idea for New Kids on the Block to reunite? And, more importantly, why didn't they do it at the peak of the "boy band" movement of the late 90's?

Fragile

This week seems to have bombarded me with horror stories of sickness and death. A two year child receiving chemo for the rarest form of Leukemia on the planet. The wife of a friend, the picture of health, a fitness instructor, suddenly passes and the doctors have yet to figure out why all of her internal organs just stopped working. Leaving behind a two year old child and a husband who recently returned from Afghanistan defending my right to sit here and post this.
When we packed our house to move here, certain things were carefully wrapped in newspaper and placed gently into a box that was quickly marked "FRAGILE". The boxes were marked over and over, on all sides to ensure that whomever was lifting and moving it would know that the contents were important, special and breakable. Even still, in spite of all my efforts to protect those items, some things got broken. They were lost and thrown away, but they were all easily replaced by a trip to Target. However, this heavy dose of reality that I have received makes it all to evident that life is just so fragile. Marked on all sides, carefully packaged and planned, and still very easily lost. Unfortunately, not replaceable.
I think of this little girl who will not ever know her mother. I wonder if there is any chance that the 18 months spent with her could leave a memory. I want to believe that things like this just don't happen. I think of her father and grandparents, aunts and uncles telling her about her own mother, showing her pictures and telling her, "look, this is your mommy. She is with Jesus now" and trying to explain why it is that God could allow this to happen. I wonder what people would tell Luke if something happened to me. I would hope that someone would show him my blog.
I am lost in this fragility right now. I want to live forever, but recognize that it could all change tomorrow. I am terrified of this. I am broken now in a very different way. I don't understand and I can't be one of those people that reasons things away by calling it "God's will". Mostly because I can't fathom God's will. I am praying for this family and many others, but I don't know how much comfort hearing about how I am praying, can give someone who is probably very angry with God. I can only continue to do so and can selfishly live in this fragile place, doing all I can to get out of the box in one piece.

Settling in

Things have not been so easy since we arrived here in Charleston. Our moving day started with Luke, under my not so watchful eye, fell down a flight of stairs in Charlotte while Brian was out getting the Uhaul. I was devastated, he was perfectly fine.
Once we got to Charleston, the air conditioner in our new apartment broke while we were in the process of moving in. It was 86 degrees inside and we were already sweating from the unpacking. Frustrating!
Our new apartment was not only NOT clean, it was infested with fleas. We had to have it bombed, but they didn't do it before we actually got in, so we had to evacuate for a day so they could do it. They also hadn't cleaned the carpets and the former tenants were smokers. Yet another day of evacuating so that could be done! Very frustrating!
However, in spite of all the horrors of apartment living and moving, we are finally settled in. Brian and I were able to have a date too. We went to Folly beach (which is only 5 minutes up the road) and found a rooftop bar. There was a band playing and preseason football on the TV. We obviously fell in love with the place. I felt like I was on vacation but I actually get to live here!
Still feeling quite overwhelmed with the move and another transition, but that's a whole other post...