Did I make a mistake??

I took a big step last week. I joined a "Mom's Group". I have looked for one since we have been here so that Luke and I can get out there and make some new friends. I wanted to find a nice, casual group that went to the park and the mall and just hung out, not the baby boot camp, super mom group. So I found one that looked right for us and decided to take the first step. The day that I joined, the girls were having a mom's night out at TGIFridays. I thought that sounded like a great way to get to know everyone without hiding behind Luke. I called the group leader and told her that I would be there at 7pm. I told her that I would call her cell phone once I got there so she could meet me, since I didn't know what she looked like and vice-versa. She thought that was a great idea and that she looked forward to meeting me. So I got dressed in something that didn't have spit up on it, put on make-up, even used lipstick, and headed 30 minutes across town to meet my new induced friends. I arrived promptly at 7pm and made the call. Oddly, though, a man answered the cell phone of the mom I was calling. He told me that it was indeed her cell phone but she didn't take it with her. My first thought was, "she's out without her children and didn't take her phone?" I can't imagine leaving and not having a way to be contacted in the event that something went wrong at home. (That being said I have the utmost confidence that Brian could handle it, but I would want to be reachable) My next thought was devastation. I walked into the restaurant and looked around, hoping that I would magically make eye contact with this group of strangers and they would know that I was one of them by my desperate look. The look that screams, "I need adult conversation and a nice glass of wine. I need companions. I am one of YOU". Ultimately, that didn't happen. There were several groups of women gathered and none of them seemed to be looking for me. I got back in the car and did what all women in that situation would do...I cried like a freaking baby! It was such a big step for me to go and meet strangers and try to make friends, not knowing if we would have anything in common other than our kids. I was let down, hurt, wondering if I had just made a big mistake joining this group and feeling like they didn't want me already. I felt like I was on a blind date and the guy took one look at me as I walked in and hid in the bathroom until he was sure I was gone.
I was supposed to go to a group picnic on Friday with Luke but we just couldn't make it. I don't know if I can do it. I really want to have companions, and I want Luke to have friends to play with, but I just don't know if I can put myself out there again. I hate rejection!

Current Ramble

I have been sitting here for the last 30 minutes thinking about how truly blessed Brian and I really are. I have recently been in touch, via a new college website, with lots of people that I went to school with. I have been reading their stories about miscarriages, divorce, adoption, death, cancer, and other serious conditions and I feel selfishly releaved. I think of where Brian and I have been in the last five years and where we could be and I feel so fortunate. My father is still alive, despite have a pacemaker put in and spending much time in the hospital. I have no cancer in my body, despite the original diagnosis. We have a healthy, beautiful little boy, the joy of my life. Our marriage is thriving, thanks to several years of counseling and God's grace over us. We have a roof over our heads and my belly is full. I complain about so many things every day. My back hurts, I'm overweight, I can't go shopping or get a pedicure, I am lonely, I miss my family and friends, Luke is so heavy...Blah, Blah, Blah...It's ridiculous to even me and it's my complaining. I always say that I am going to do it less but never seem to. I come from a long line of chronic complainers. What a sorry excuse. I just need to learn how to really put things in perspective. I am a very lucky gal and I will make that my new mantra!!

What's next??

This week has been just about as challenging as it has gotten for us so far! On Sunday, we got up and went to church, came home and had some lunch and Brian went off to his soccer game. He has been playing in a men's league here and it has been a great outlet for him. With all the stress that we have been under, he needed that in a serious way.
around 4 pm Luke went down for his nap and I decided to do the same. About 30 minutes into my sleep, I heard my phone ringing but it was somewhere in the back of my mind and it wasn't enough to shake me to reality. Then I started to hear a horn from the garage. I thought that Brian had forgotten his key. I slowly, and angrily, got up and went to let him in. When I looked out, he was just sitting in his Jeep with tears in his eyes and told me that he needed my help, that he couldn't get out of the car. Brian has had many problems with his right knee stemming back to high school when he had a total knee reconstruction for a torn ACL, PCl and MCL. A few years ago, he had another surgery to remove some bone spurs. He gets injections in his knee a couple times a year because he has arthritis in his knee and there is no cartilage in there. He explained to me that he hurt his knee and needed help getting out of the car. I helped him into the house and got him some ice, only to watch him put it on his LEFT knee!!
Long story short, Brian is on crutches and can't put any weight on his knee at all. He is going to see a doctor tomorrow for the official diagnosis but he is pretty sure that something in there is torn. Meanwhile, I am taking care of Brian and Luke (Jake too) and trying to hold it together. Now is the time that I really wish that we had friends and family here because, man, I could use some help! Hopefully the doctor will be able to give us some good news. We could use some! I'm afraid everyday of what is no come, what other bad thing can happen to us. It's got to end at some point right????

Don't ask!!!

So last night I went to my best friend Tracy's baby shower in South Carolina. After college I lived with Tracy in that small town for about 6 months so I know quite a few people from the church. I walked into the shower and a lady named Miss Mary came over and gave me a hug. Then, it all turned to poo!! She rubbed my tummy and asked me how far along I was. Oh yeah! As you can imagine, this caused my self-esteem to sky rocket! I explained that I had a baby nine months ago but just hadn't managed to get rid of all the baby weight yet. I walked away from the conversation pretty quickly after that and thought about the consequences of whooping an old lady's ass in the church parking lot after the shower was over. She is officially on my LIST!
The moral of the story is unless you know for a fact that someone is pregnant, don't ever ask them! Ever! Never! Ask someone else who knows that person if they are pregnant but Never, Ever, under any circumstance, ask someone how far along they are.
So on a different note, I started my eating disorder today...

Lonliness versus being alone

Before Luke was born, Brian was in school getting his MBA. He had class ever Thursday night and I loved it. He was gone before I got home from work and I was usually in bed before he got home. I planned every Thursday night meticulously. I would stop on my way home from work and pick up some dinner, change into my PJ's as soon as I got home and spend the evening catching up on the shows I had recorded all week. I rarely ever answered my phone if it rang. When I was pregnant, I would sit and read books about babies. I had a whole night just to do whatever I wanted. I was alone and it was amazing. I love being around people but those Thursdays were wonderful times for me.
Now I am faced with a whole different situation. I am alone, and lonely. Since we have been in Charlotte, I have learned what it is to really be lonely. I don't know anyone, save a friend who just had a baby two weeks ago so she is exempt, and it is starting to take it's toll on me. I am a social person, so when I spend a week not talking to anyone but Brian and Luke, I find that I am striking up conversations with the lady at the store who is just simply trying to scan my groceries. Poor lady. I go days, even weeks without hearing from anyone and for some reason, I can't make the outbound calls. I have nothing to say. I can only talk about how Luke is doing so much. Not every one wants to hear about his poo.
I have tried to force myself to go to a mom's group in the area but I just can't hurdle it. We have found a church that we like and I am hoping that somewhere down the line I can make friends that way, but for now, it's horrible for me to even go to church because I feel so alone in a huge crowd of people. It's a feeling I have never known before and, honestly, I am not handling it well. I need companionship. I need to sit down over a cup of coffee and pour my heart out about everything and absolutely nothing. I need someone to go with to the mall or the park or for a walk around the neighborhood. I need someone here who sees my child growing and becoming a little boy and recognizes it because they have been with us this whole time. I need a friend, simply and purely. a physical, tangible, face-to-face friend, and I pray that I can find even just one.

You want to do what???

So yesterday I had to have a diagnostic mammogram. I found a lump a few weeks ago and had the doctor check it out and they sent me to have a diagnostic mommogram. I apologize to any male readers (actually, I think Deanna is the only one who reads this anyway!!, this may seem a little graphic. If you have never had a mammogram, I don't recommend one. They pull your breast into a vice-like device, smash it, stretch it, then clamp down on it with the force of alligator jaws. Then you have to hold your breath so you don't accidently tug your way out. You couldn't get out of that thing if your were all lubed up with olive oil. I have never felt anything so uncomfortable in my life. Not to mention, having a radiologist with ice cold hands treating your most intimate parts like pizza dough.
So after that, there was an ultrasound. That was fine, no big deal. The doctor came in and said that it was simply a fluid cyst and suggested that we go ahead and drain it. They gave me a shot of lidocaine to numb the area and stuck in a 9 inch needle to drain it. After the fluid was removed they put air back into the cyst area to try and prevent a reoccurance. Then, just when I thought I was in the clear, they knicked a blood vessel on the way out with the needle. Blood literally started shooting out. The doctor said it was not a big deal and gave me an ice pack for it. It turned black and blue, bruised all to hell.
I know that it is important to have all abnormalities checked. I know that mammograms are life-saving and that my outcome could have been much worse. Someone could have told me that I had cancer (something I don't plan to hear ever again in my life!). But, wow, after that it will seriously make me have second thoughts about wanting to get something checked. It ranked a close second only to child-birth. Hopefully, I won't have to do that again until I am 40!

Are you kidding me?

So I have just spent the last hour looking online for "mom's groups". I have never done anything like this before but thought that it would be a good way for me to meet some other mothers and try to make some friends here in Charlotte. It is so daunting! There are a million groups to choose from and I don't think that I fit into any of the categories. "Super mom-the group for mothers who can handle it all". "Fit mommies-for the mom that loves to exercise and already has her prepregnancy figure back". "Shopping moms-we power-walk the mall and look for great bargains". "All about our kids-for the moms who want to live vicariously through their children".
How about groups like, "what the hell am I doing?" and "Does anyone know a good babysitter?" and "I'm just trying the best that I can!"? and I would also like to start a group called, "I am never going to fit into my skinny jeans again, and that's okay."
We bought a kitchen table on Craig's list and when we went to get it, the couple had 3 month old twins, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful and very tiny, especially compared to Luke, even when he was that age. The mother kept telling me to call her and she would show me around Charlotte. She stays home and would love to have some company. I heard a certain desperation in her voice, "For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE come and hang out with me so that I can remember what it feels like to have an adult conversation!" Being a mother is scary. I have had it easy so far, I think. As awkward as our situation has been, I haven't really been alone with Luke yet. Brian or his mom have been with me since the beginning. Frankly, I am terrified of the day that Brian goes back to work and it's just me and Luke. I don't know how I will handle it. Maybe it will be great and I will magically have all of my free time back. Luke will start feeding himself and changing all of his own poopie diapers because he knows that they make me want to vomit. He'll have the coffee ready by the time I roll out of bed, and I can go and take a shower because he's just going to watch some Veggie Tales and read the paper. Okay, so I know these things aren't going to happen but I just don't know how it will be. I hope that I am ready for it. Really, I am just a little scared!

Extreme Makeover

So now that there is no more Sunday night football (boo hoo), I couldn't find anything to watch other than "extreme Makeover: Home Edition". This show gets me every single time. These families that are so needy, that have nothing, or have special needs to survive...it just tears me up. Tissues come out, and the waterworks come on.
I started to watch this tonight and thought back over the last year. The year that was so rough for us. I realized how truly blessed we have been. At no point, was my child sick. At no point, were we without a roof over our heads, even though it wasn't always OUR roof. There was never a time that we were hopeless, desolate, hungry, broke, tormented. In our eyes things were rough. We had gone through a rash of things that we have never experienced before, but we were cared for and we found this great new love. There is just nothing like the love that I feel for Luke. I tried to explain how different it is from what I feel for Brian, or my family and friends. It's not stronger, but it's just different. That love has changed so many things for me.
I understand what it means to want to sacrifice for him. I would give every single thing that I have on this earth and in heaven for him to be happy and healthy, and to shelter him from any heartache. I told him tonight how proud I am to be his mommy, how blessed I feel and how God chose him just for me, so that I could be his mommy. I know that he doesn't understand it but I always want him to know.
So the Garvin's, or at least this Garvin, have had a sort of makeover this year. I have never, ever, ever felt that God loves me as much as I feel he does now. I feel like I want to live a better life and be faithful to commitments and friends and family that I cannot ever replace. I want to be the very best that I can be to show God my gratitude for sustaining us though our rough spot and for teaching me so many lessons along the way. I just want to be better. It's just so easy to say, and something totally different to do...

Another birthday!!

On the first day of every year, not only do I get to welcome in another year, I also get to celebrate another birthday. This year was a little different than what I am used to. We were here in Furman and there wasn't much to do. For New Year's Eve, Brian and I went to the drive-in. We thought that it might be a while before we get to that again so we thought that we would take advantage while we still have a babysitter. It was cold but we really enjoyed our night out. We got home in time to watch the ball drop and leap into the new year (thanks Matt).

I guess the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind" really is true. I don't expect a real fuss over my birthday anymore. The older you get, the more it really just becomes another day, but I do look forward to hearing from my friends and family. This year though, I only heard from a very small handful, and, unfortunately, text messaging has replaced the usual phone calls. Luckily, my parents don't know how to text message so I did hear from them. I guess that it's just nice to be thought of on that one day and to feel special and loved. I know that I drop the ball quite a bit on the birthday thing. My Space birthday reminders have become a lifesaver, sadly enough. It's not like when you are a kid and you get all your friends together, put on party hats that match the plates, the napkins and everything else in the room, and have a huge cake in your favorite flavor. Brian tried very hard this year to find a coconut creme pie, which is my favorite, but couldn't get one. We settled for boston cream cake which is a close, very close second.

My point (I'll get to it eventually) is that I really want to be that person that remembers birthdays and anniversaries and calls and sends cards. I don't know if I can be that efficient, but I am going to try!!

2007 recap

So here is a quick rundown of the last year in the lives of the Garvin's, the stuff I can remember anyway.

I turned 30 in January
I was a giant pregnant woman by February
Brian went to look for a place for us to live in March
Brian turned 28 in April, I had my baby shower
I weighed 462 lbs in May
Luke was born in June, and Brian lost his job
Brian had throat surgery in July
I had leg surgery in August, and we put the house on the market
We sold our house in September
We moved in with Brian's mom in October
Luke got two teeth in November
Jake tried to leave us in Decemeber

So now we start a new year, headed to a new house at the end of the first week. I am not turning 31 this year. Instead I have decided to go with something a little more popular, so I will be 22 this year! Luke will learn to talk and walk in this year. We will be getting settled and making a new start in Charlotte this year. I will have 3 MRI's on my leg to make sure that my tumor is not back this year. We will, hopefully, be happy and well-adjusted to our new environment. I hope that all of you have a great upcoming year. We are looking forward to ending the year that was, with it's ups and downs, and getting, what feels like a fresh start. New Year, new city, new house, new challenges, new victories.
Happy new year!!

Am I a bad person?

Today we went to lunch with Brian's mom, brian's stepbrother Gib, his wife and two kids and his wife's parents (did you get all that?). We had the baby with us so it's always a race to the finish to see if we can get out of there before he can't take anymore and starts to fuss. We ordered our food, salads, appetizers, drinks, all at once. Our server disappeared and we literlly did not see him again for about 20 minutes. He had one other table that had finished eating shortly after we sat down.

Okay, let me back up. I worked in a restaurant for a very long time. I know how things should work and I know when they are going horribly wrong. I hate excuses for long food times, bad service, cold food and no drink refills. Nothing makes me angrier than a bad dining experience. I don't get to go out very often and I just expect to be taken care of, not catered to, when I do go.

So back to lunch. OUr server literally disappeared. No one had drinks, our appetizers never came and he never came to check on us. We had seperate checks at the table and told him that as we ordered. Well the first thing to hit the table was my mother-in-laws lunch. No salad, just her food. It was brought by a different server who didn't stay long enough to ask for a refill on my tea (I hate being thirsty). Twenty more minutes before anyone else came back. Madeleine was still the only one with any food! I was about to blow a gasket when the manager came by with some more food. Still no appetizers or salads. She smiled and asked if we needed anything and that was it for me. There were 3 out of the 9 of us that were eating, no one had drinks. I just told her that we were very unhappy with the service and told her what we needed. Anyway, long story not quite as long, we were there for 3 hours. When the server brought the checks, they had all been discounted by half, except for mine. Mine was free. When I told the server there was a mistake on my check he said, "no, yours is free because you were so angry". I realized that I had become "that customer", the one all servers hate, the one you can't please, the one you hate to see coming. I felt really badly but then wondered if I should. I am paying for a service. The server started telling us that he had only been working there for 3 days (which is another pet peeve of mine that servers do), but he didn't have any other tables but ours! The reality of it is that he was probably out drinking last night and just couldn't quite get his crap together today. The restaurant was not busy, at all. Ask for help if you are "in the weeds", but don't make excuses for not knowing how to do your job. I know that I am probably a little harder to wait on than the average patron but I am also an excellent tipper and appreciate a job well done.

I have decided that I may be that customer but I think that I am okay with it. I will just have to go to a different restaurant every time we eat out so that no one will know me as "that customer". I am getting awefully cranky in my old age!

The Random compliment

The other day Brian and I went to a coffee house in town. We were the only people in there for most of the time. Just before we left, an older woman came in. She was very pleasant in her exchange with the waitress and had a very warm and comforting face. We stood up to leave and I headed to the bathroom. She stopped me on my way and said, "You have the most beautiful hair". I thanked her, of course, and we left. I thought about that for the rest of the evening and how nice it was. It made me feel so good about myself that a stranger would pay me such a random compliment. I wondered why this doesn't happen more often. I see people all of the time that I could say nice things to but I don't. I think it to myself and move on. But something as small as that could change someone's day or outlook that they have about themselves. I have decided that I am going to make a point of paying compliments to strangers when I feel that they are necessary. I think it's a great way to make someone smile.

Who am I?

I realize that I am having a difficult time finding my identity outside of being a mother. Women take on many roles in their lifetimes: daughter, sister, aunt, friend, wife, mother, partial bread-winner. The transitions between each role aren't always easy but I think the transition into motherhood might be the most difficult one. Before I became Luke's mom, I juggled many roles and they all seemed to mesh into one another. But now that I stay at home, I have traded in my worker hat for the full-time mom position. Being a mom encompasses a whole new set of responsibilities: homemaker, housekeeper, nurturer, teacher, chef (if mixing up rice cereal can be considered "chefing"), dog-walker, boo-boo kisser, and wife. It is so hard to find the time to do the things that I used to enjoy so much, such as curling up on the couch with a good book or cooking a big meal that did not utilize the microwave oven or paper plates.
Brian and I talked about the importance of having my own identity outside of being a mom. We both feel that is very beneficial for a child. It is important to know that you mother has other things going on besides just drving their children to soccer practice and ballet lessons. I want to give Luke a well-rounded view of life. I want him to eventually marry someone who is independent and self-sufficient, and I think that men do learn a lot about the type of girls they want to date based off the example they get from their mothers. I want Luke to think that I am more than just his mother. It's just such a hard place for me to be in right now. I am going to find a book, I'm sure someone has written one, on finding and defining the many different roles that women are faced with. If anyone knows where I can get one, let me know.
In the meantime, I am embracing this new identity as a mother. I love watching Luke grow up and change every day. I love to teach him new things and watch him copy what I have shown him. But at the same time, I have to remember that I am a person that was once not a mother and that i had hobbies and interests and great loves. I have passions that I need to also embrace. I need to remember that I am still just me with a new role.

Please pray!

Just a quick note to ask you to please pray for my friend, Lisa Van Hamme (formally LIsa Doolittle for those of you that went to EC). She is 29 years old, married with a 9 month old baby and has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is having a total masectomy next week and will also have to undergo chemotherapy. Lisa is in good spirits but knows that she and her family are about to face some rough times. Please keep her and her family in your prayers and I will update her progress here. Thank you so much!!

Like the corners of my mind...

So here a summary of the last 4 months:
Luke was born in June.
Brian had surgery on his throat in July.
I had surgery on my leg in August and was on crutches for a month.
We sold our house in September.
Now it's October and we have to move.
For anyone who knows me, you know that I didn't exactly have a normal upbringing. I lived in a bus and traveled with my family until I was about 9. Once we settled in a house we never stayed there for very long. Until now, the longest I have ever lived anywhere was as good old EC. I have been in this house for 4 years. I got married and came here. I had Luke and brought him here. Brian and I have had wonderful times with all of our dearest friends and family in this house. We have also had some of the most trying times ever here. The memories are difficult for me to let go of. I know, I know...I take them with me. And I will but I will still miss this place. This has been the place that I have settled. I have made countless dinners, bottles, and beds. I have hosted chiristmas parties, birthday parties, football parties, and no reason at all parties (those were the best ones). We sat out on the front porch, the back porch (more like an alley), the back yard around the fire pit, and poker around the pool table. It's been a beautiful thing. And I love every person that has shared all of those times with me, and I miss them even now.
So as I put all of everything I own into boxes, I am thinking of all of you and what you have given to me in this beautiful home, and I thank you, from the deepest part of my heart. Let's make some new memories soon!!

I'm Back!!

I haven't posted in some time. I have been so busy keeping up with My Space and our family blog that I haven't taken the time to keep up with this. However, I need a place to ramble so I am going to start up again. There are so many things going on right now that I just need to be able to get it all out and to inform my friends of the events. So stop by and check it out and I promise, I will try to keep them shorter then they have been in the past!! (just for you Amanda)

Responsibility

There are various responsibilities that come along with being married. I don't mind most of them, and that includes scrubbing toilets and doing the dishes. But there is one task that I absolutely dread! I cringe when I know the day is approaching. It may not seem like a big deal but I HATE cutting my husband's hair. I understand the reasoning behind not going to a professional. It's not like it is a difficult task. You just take the clippers and shave it up. Sounds simple, right? NO! Brian has a tendency to wait until it gets dark outside (which is where we do the cutting) and then ask if I will do it. It's very hard to see even with the light on. I don't have the steadiest hand to begin with so that adds to the challenge. The one thing that I never contemplated, and the worst case scenario, came to be a few months ago during the cutting process...If you don't feel my pain in this, you have never suffered a bad cut. I had the clippers in hand finishing up the back of Brian's head. It was pretty long so there was quite a bit of hair falling to the ground during the process, which distracted me from the fact that the guard fell off the clippers. It was pretty dark out and a combination of the falling clumps of hair and the shadows from the porch light obstructed my vision enough that I shaved a rather large patch bald...to the scalp bald. As soon as I noticed it (not soon enough) I froze. I stared at the bald spot and tried to figure out how I was going to explain what had happened. Brian, of course, asked me why I had stopped. I didn't know what to say. So I casually mentioned that the guard fell off. He looked around, picked it up and handed it to me very mater-of-factly, not realizing that the damage had been done. I stammered a little and explained that it wasn't that I couldn't find the guard, but rather that I didn't know that it was gone. He frantically started rubbing the back of his head trying to determine the severity of the bald spot, and it didn't take him long to feel it out (it was a big spot!). He was so upset and I could do nothing but apologize. Then I took the route of, "well you know I hate doing it. You shouldn't ask me." I ended up having to shave the entire thing and he told people that he lost a bet.
I post this now because I know the time is rolling in where I am going to have to get the clippers out and I abhor it! I also say this for anyone who is in or ever wants to be in a serious relationship. If there is something that you really don't like to do, or think that at some point in your life you will start to hate it, DON"T EVER DO IT!!! It's dating that gets us in the most trouble. We say things like, "I love this band too" or "I don't mind doing dishes at all. I actually enjoy them" or " I think your farts are so funny!". We try to put that best foot forward and seem like the perfect mate and I guarantee, it will get you into trouble at some point. You'll hear, "But I thought you really liked -insert various words/phrases here-You did when we were dating". And then you're stuck. Honesty is the best policy right from the beginning!!

Congratulations are in order!

I just received an email from Kirk and Stephanie McConnell. They are expecting a little bundle of joy around August! It's very exciting, and for those of you that know Kirk, terribly frightening! Kirk as a daddy??? All joking aside, if you see them or hear from them, make sure you offer your congratulations. I know that the child with be blessed to be in such a wonderful family!

New Year's Resolutions

Every year I do this. I have had the same resolution for the last 3 years: Diet and exercise. One year I joined the gym and I went 3 to 5 times a week for about 2 months. I loved it. I felt great. Then I went on vacation for a week and never went back to the gym. I was paid up for a year and it was a big, fat waste of money. Last year, I started with a basic diet. No soda, no fried food, lots of veggies, fruit and salad with fat free dressing. I got bored and hungry (see previous "gravy" post).
This year, I have once again made it my goal to diet and exercise starting January 1st. Okay well, that's my birthday so January 2nd. But I have that day off and I can't start on a day when I have nothing to do. So here I am already making excuses for why I can't do it. I have also spent this past week packing on as many last minute pounds as I possibly can. I've had apple pie (about a half of one) an entire batch of homemade banana pudding, 3 twenty ounce bottles of Coke (just today in fact), Carrabba's for dinner last night, and a dozen trips to the Wendy's drive thru (it's right across the street). I also had a handful, okay two handfuls, of Hersey's kisses. I'm out of control! I just want to be skinny again. I remember those days at EC, taking a late night trip to Arby's or Waffle House, eating every fried and fattening thing I could and chasing it down with a Jamoca milkshake. AND I NEVER GAINED A POUND!! The day that I turned 25 I could literally hear myself getting fatter and I haven't looked back. I am unhealthy, which is the biggest thing (other than my thighs). I never have any energy. I would rather come home and take a nap than any other thing in the world. So this year starting January 3rd, I will start exercising and eating healthy. I will drink water and take the stairs. I will go to the gym at work because it's free and I will go back to my yoga and pilates classes that I attended for a week 3 years ago. I will do it and I will like it. And I will be comfortable in my skin again! And if I hate it...Well then I will resort to trying to find out where I can catch a nice eating disorder or a tapeworm!

Merry Christmas???

It doesn't feel like Christmas this year AT ALL!!! First of all, I live in central Florida. It was almost 70 degrees here today. I wore a sweater anyway just because it should be cold, it's five days to Christmas!!! I just did my Christmas shopping today and let me tell you that Target five days before Christmas, is a nightmare. A lady with a crazed look in her eye practically tried to wrestle a fire truck out of my kung-fu grip! It was the last one and it was what my nephew wanted. I wasn't leaving there without it. Apparently when I turned my back, she thought my cart was fair game and tried to take it! I was appalled. I let her know that it was no longer available. Once it hits someone else's cart, it become off limits, consider it sold. It was just so frustrating! I had to get the tree and decorate it on my own this year because of the situation with Brian's stepdad. He got really behind in his school work for his Masters and just didn't have the time to help me with it. My sister came and helped me though, which reminded me of my childhood. That was cool. The last reason it doesn't feel like Christmas is because I will not be able to spend it with the person I love the most. Brian needs to be with his mom right now and I don't have any time off work to be able to go with him. We are celebrating tomorrow night with dinner at Cracker barrel (my favorite) and then coming home to open our gifts. I will be here with my family, which is always nice because there is nothing like seeing my nephews open there gifts! They get so excited and rip into the paper so quickly it's dizzying. Then we play with their toys all day.
I know the true meaning of Christmas, I know what it's all about. Don't get me wrong, I am unbelievably grateful for the birth of Christ. I am thankful for my family and that I will be with them on Sunday. I will just miss my husband so very much. I never thought that we would ever spend another Christmas apart. When we first started dating, he went home for the holidays. We had only been together for a few months and he was only gone for three days. It was awful. I think that I will be inconsolable this time.
I'm also having a birthday in two weeks. I don't care about my numeric age, I just hate birthdays. I don't usually have a party or cake. In fact the last time I had cake on my birthday was when I was at EC and Kristi and Jamie Cain baked one for me and the two of them sang to me. It was very sweet. I just don't get into birthdays anymore for some reason.
All of that being said, I do love this time of year and I wish all of you a merry Christmas. I promise that after the new year rolls around I won't be such a "wet blanket" with my posts.