My father-in-law had a stroke today. I don't know all the details except that he is unconscious but breathing on his own. He is in the hospital in Savannah, GA. His name is Keny McKenzie and he is the most wonderful man you will ever meet! We may be heading up there in the morning but we are not sure yet.
I will keep you all posted.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Church Search
I realize that I haven't posted about the church search so I thought I would fill you in. After week one of the search, we had a hurricane that came through so we were unable to attend. The week after that, I sinned and skipped church to go to a Bucs game. I know that my priorities are a little out of whack seemlingly, but if someone offers you a free ticket to a Bucs game, the general rule in our house is that you go. Last Sunday we went to a Baptist church. The preacher was a really nice guy. As far as the music, I knew I was in serious trouble when the pastor introduced a new song to the church--"Shout to the Lord". For those of you that went to EC, you know that we wore that song out about 10 years ago. So they were a little behind the times as far as that was concered. Thus the search continues. I did enjoy the message though. It's an interesting process. With all of these trial runs, I am getting a perspective from a variety of different preachers and I like that, for now. This weeks church is still up in the air. We have asked around for different favorites in the area so we are trying those out. I have taken a more open mindset though which is helping me to enjoy the search a little more. It's not such a chore and it's not as frustrating as it was at first. We just have to be patient until we find our home!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Life as it happens
Okay...here it is. I am about to turn 29 on January 1st which I am okay with, but I have decided that I want a baby, much to the dismay of my husband. We have talked already and decided to wait until he is done with his Master's, which will be in a year. We decided that we are going to start trying next summer. But out of NOWHERE, I really, really want to have a baby. I love kids and the best thing about them so far is that I can always give them back to their parents when they smell funny or I've had enough. I have two nephews that I adore, ages 6 and 3. I have 3 friends with baby boys ranging from 4 months to 15 months. I love them all. BUT I want a girl, again much to Brian's dismay. He said that if we have a girl she will not leave the house until she is married and won't be going to silly things like the prom or homecoming. I think this means he will be a little overprotective. I think I am just tired of buying boy things. I can only get so many Matchbox cars and GI Joe's. I do want one of each and have always thought it would be nice for my daughter to have an older brother to look out for her, but I just want a girl!!!
Brian is a couple of years younger than me, which could explain why he isn't quite ready. I know that he will be a great father though. Our struggle now is when we talk about names for our children. We have a couple of very cool girl names but no luck on the boys yet. We have very differing opinions and every time I suggest a boys name he says that he knew a guy in high school that he hated by that name. Every one he picks is either an ex-boyfriend or just awful!
Anyway, I am trying to be patient and wait for next summer. I can, however, hear my clock ticking! And not to mention, I hear that the "tryin' to get pregnant" is GREAT!!!
Brian is a couple of years younger than me, which could explain why he isn't quite ready. I know that he will be a great father though. Our struggle now is when we talk about names for our children. We have a couple of very cool girl names but no luck on the boys yet. We have very differing opinions and every time I suggest a boys name he says that he knew a guy in high school that he hated by that name. Every one he picks is either an ex-boyfriend or just awful!
Anyway, I am trying to be patient and wait for next summer. I can, however, hear my clock ticking! And not to mention, I hear that the "tryin' to get pregnant" is GREAT!!!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
ggrrrr!
There are some very simple things in life that just frustrate me to no end. I live in Florida, the retirement capitol of the world, which really sucks when you are trying to get anywhere. At some point in life, I hope that someone will take my license when I shrink down in size so much that I have to sit on a phone book to see over the steering wheel. I went to lunch with a friend today and on my way home, I got behind what appeared to be an empty car doing 20MPH in a 35 zone. I knew that it must be November and the Snow Birds were migrating back. I also noticed the Michigan tags on the empty car. From now until March, I will have to leave my house 20 minutes earlier than normal to get anywhere on time. When this car finally got into the turning lane and I was able to get around it, there was a little man who was roughly 107 years old, with his cataract glasses and mouth wide open, holding himself up on the steering wheel. Inevitably, the light turned green and he sat through the arrow and then pulled out in front of someone as the light turned yellow. The other car slammed on brakes and swerved and Father Time was oblivious. Reason number 4,768 why I hate Florida.
Part of the problem is that I am just not a fan of the elderly. I know this is harsh but I didn't really have grandparents growing up. Both grandfathers had died before I was born, and I didn't see my grandmothers very often growing up. I just never got to hang out with any old folks. I know that the elderly want to keep their independence as long as they can and hold on to the hope that they aren't going senile. BUT there comes a time when you should embrace your decrepitness, slap on a giant adult diaper and move into an adult care facility, or with your children. And start taking the bus, for the love of all things holy!
I have decided that when I am old, I will be more than happy to become a burden to my children and grandchildren. I will demand medication and regular feedings of tapioca pudding (Phillip Bowen style), and sit in my own feces until someone notices the stench and decides to change my diaper. I have no pride or shame. The way I see it, I will have done it for my children and they can owe me one. And if my parents called me today and told me the couldn't get around anymore, I would do the afore mentioned for them. It's the circle of life. I would also take away their car keys for their own safety, mostly out of concern that one day someone like me is not going to be able to control the road rage and just start ramming into them.
An elderly lady had to go to driving school for a ticket and when asked about the three lanes of the interstate, her explanation was that the right lane was for short trips, the left lane was for long trips, and middle lane was for every trip in the middle. True story. Ridiculous!
Part of the problem is that I am just not a fan of the elderly. I know this is harsh but I didn't really have grandparents growing up. Both grandfathers had died before I was born, and I didn't see my grandmothers very often growing up. I just never got to hang out with any old folks. I know that the elderly want to keep their independence as long as they can and hold on to the hope that they aren't going senile. BUT there comes a time when you should embrace your decrepitness, slap on a giant adult diaper and move into an adult care facility, or with your children. And start taking the bus, for the love of all things holy!
I have decided that when I am old, I will be more than happy to become a burden to my children and grandchildren. I will demand medication and regular feedings of tapioca pudding (Phillip Bowen style), and sit in my own feces until someone notices the stench and decides to change my diaper. I have no pride or shame. The way I see it, I will have done it for my children and they can owe me one. And if my parents called me today and told me the couldn't get around anymore, I would do the afore mentioned for them. It's the circle of life. I would also take away their car keys for their own safety, mostly out of concern that one day someone like me is not going to be able to control the road rage and just start ramming into them.
An elderly lady had to go to driving school for a ticket and when asked about the three lanes of the interstate, her explanation was that the right lane was for short trips, the left lane was for long trips, and middle lane was for every trip in the middle. True story. Ridiculous!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Separation anxiety
Somehow we have ended up with a dog that has separation anxiety. He was licking his paw so much that there was no fur on it so I took him to the vet yesterday and she said that he has separation anxiety! I had no idea that dogs could get that. They put one of those cones on his sweet little head (pictures to come) so he can't lick and if it doesn't heal up in two weeks, they want to put him on Prozac! It figures that I would end up with a crazy dog. He hates me now because I was the one that took him to the vet. The biggest problem is that the cone on his head makes him more clingy than he was before. It's a no win situation but he looks cute in his giant blue cone!
Monday, October 31, 2005
The words we choose
Last night Brian and I were having a conversation about some things in our marriage. It wasn't an argument, but just touching base about a couple of different issues. It was late and we were both tired and I wasn't really thinking clearly. I spoke without thinking and really hurt his feelings, I think. He got out of bed and let the dog out immediately. I knew as soon as it left my mouth that I had not chosen my words carefully. I couldn't seem to fix it after that either. I tried to explain what I meant, explain away my poor choice and I couldn't. We agreed that we should just go to sleep and talk about it today, which we haven't gotten to do yet because he is at work. (Oh yeah, I am unemployed right now, sort of)
I really hate that I let my mouth move faster than my head. Growing up, there was a lot of yelling in our house. That was the way we communicated and argued points. But the point got muddled by the yelling. I dated a guy once that would not even talk to me when I started this irrational behavior and it frustrated me to no end. I wanted to yell! I thought it was necessary to make my point. If I could yell louder than anyone else, I would win the argument just on that merit. Thank God I got over that! Brian hates yelling also so we discuss things. We keep to the subject and try to be calm and rational. We have the most well-thought out arguments, always being mindful of the others feelings and trying not to stray from the issues.
But last night I really just blew it and I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I know that we will talk about it this afternoon and all will be well. I just think that too many times we can save our feelings and other people's if we just choose our words carefully. I like to think that I have a pretty broad vocabulary since I have an English degree and study law, but it becomes negated at times in the heat of the moment and I speak to send daggers. I say those things that I can't take back and even choose words that don't encompass my point. I get twisted around the idea that what I am saying is so important that I need to get it out of my mouth now, without taking a moment to consider the consequences. I don't listen, I just want to talk because (especially with Brian) if you can just hear my side, which is so magical and perfect and absolute, you won't need your argument at all. You will agree with my brilliance (all of this said sarcastically).
I think that from now on, I will do what Jesus did and take a moment to draw in the dirt, collect myself. I know that I will continue to say things the wrong way and that I will hurt more feelings throughout life, but perhaps if I can spend a moment drawing in the dirt before I speak, I won't have to eat that dirt later.
I really hate that I let my mouth move faster than my head. Growing up, there was a lot of yelling in our house. That was the way we communicated and argued points. But the point got muddled by the yelling. I dated a guy once that would not even talk to me when I started this irrational behavior and it frustrated me to no end. I wanted to yell! I thought it was necessary to make my point. If I could yell louder than anyone else, I would win the argument just on that merit. Thank God I got over that! Brian hates yelling also so we discuss things. We keep to the subject and try to be calm and rational. We have the most well-thought out arguments, always being mindful of the others feelings and trying not to stray from the issues.
But last night I really just blew it and I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I know that we will talk about it this afternoon and all will be well. I just think that too many times we can save our feelings and other people's if we just choose our words carefully. I like to think that I have a pretty broad vocabulary since I have an English degree and study law, but it becomes negated at times in the heat of the moment and I speak to send daggers. I say those things that I can't take back and even choose words that don't encompass my point. I get twisted around the idea that what I am saying is so important that I need to get it out of my mouth now, without taking a moment to consider the consequences. I don't listen, I just want to talk because (especially with Brian) if you can just hear my side, which is so magical and perfect and absolute, you won't need your argument at all. You will agree with my brilliance (all of this said sarcastically).
I think that from now on, I will do what Jesus did and take a moment to draw in the dirt, collect myself. I know that I will continue to say things the wrong way and that I will hurt more feelings throughout life, but perhaps if I can spend a moment drawing in the dirt before I speak, I won't have to eat that dirt later.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Week 1-The Search...
I feel like I am starring in my own reality show with this one. I shall call it The Search. Brian and I started out this week to find a church that suits our needs and desires. We both have different things that we look for. I need good music and would love to find a choir to sing in. Brian looks for a teacher that is challenging and intelligent, scholarly. We both are looking for, what we have started calling, The Meat. We need substance. I was raised Pentecostal and Brian has a mixed background starting with Presbyterian and going to Assemblies of God. He and I both have been very open-minded about what the other needs. We have gone to a Presbyterian church, even though there are quite a few (okay a ton)of things that neither of us agrees with about the doctrine. But the pastor is great and he doesn't talk too much about the doctrines from the pulpit. Each time that we have been, however, there has been one thing that has caused me to get on the defensive, whereas for Brian, it makes him grab his Bible and study to find out the basis and attempt to approve or refute that information.
So Sunday we visited a very charismatic nondenominational (but very Pentecostal) church here in town. The Choir was amazing and the Band rivaled Dave Matthews Band. But we never got to The Meat. There were several things about that service that disturbed both Brian and me, especially the 35 minutes of prosperity preaching that preceded the offering. 35 minutes to take an offering? I couldn't believe that there was more time spent on the offering "sermon" then on the worship service. I know that for some people, this is all fine and good, but for us, it was time to go. We left before the preaching even started. When we left, we sat in the car in the parking lot and I cried. I told Brian that I want something insightful that I can take with me into the week, not the hype that makes me feel good for a couple of hours but doesn't spark change. We prayed together in the car that God would lead us to the church that is right for us. I just want to be taught and challenged.
I am all for the church that is excited. I am an emotional person and I have been known to cry my eyes out in a church service. I don't hold back. I just need more than a good feeling. I need more than a preacher that shouts without substance. If your going to shout, do it, but say something that I can take with me through the week or through my life. We know that there is no perfect church. But we also know that when we find where we are supposed to be, we will know it.
So next Sunday, The Search continues...
So Sunday we visited a very charismatic nondenominational (but very Pentecostal) church here in town. The Choir was amazing and the Band rivaled Dave Matthews Band. But we never got to The Meat. There were several things about that service that disturbed both Brian and me, especially the 35 minutes of prosperity preaching that preceded the offering. 35 minutes to take an offering? I couldn't believe that there was more time spent on the offering "sermon" then on the worship service. I know that for some people, this is all fine and good, but for us, it was time to go. We left before the preaching even started. When we left, we sat in the car in the parking lot and I cried. I told Brian that I want something insightful that I can take with me into the week, not the hype that makes me feel good for a couple of hours but doesn't spark change. We prayed together in the car that God would lead us to the church that is right for us. I just want to be taught and challenged.
I am all for the church that is excited. I am an emotional person and I have been known to cry my eyes out in a church service. I don't hold back. I just need more than a good feeling. I need more than a preacher that shouts without substance. If your going to shout, do it, but say something that I can take with me through the week or through my life. We know that there is no perfect church. But we also know that when we find where we are supposed to be, we will know it.
So next Sunday, The Search continues...
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Baseball season
I recognize that my Red Sox are now out of the playoffs. No defending the championship. No talk of a dynasty. I am sad, however, there is a joy that swells up in me just knowing that THE YANKEES WON'T BE THERE EITHER!! HA HA HA (I hate the Yankees)
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
The 80's
I don't know what is wrong with me. I haven't posted in several days. I haven't been ill or out of the country, just living my "Groundhog Day" over and over. The good news is that I have a job interview on Thursday and I am really keeping my fingers crossed on this one. It's slightly out of field for me but it's a substantial raise at a good company with a lot of opportunity for advancement. It looks good for me and, get this, they pay you more just for having a college degree!! (See previous post)
This past weekend was my sister's 30 birthday and my dad's 69th. My sister decided to have an 80's flashback party. I had almost forgotten how ugly we all were back then but I was quickly reminded. I cut the neck and sleeves out of my sweatshirt, teased my hair, put on my stretch pants and my skirt, and loaded up on pink and blue makeup. And my God, it was awful! I turned the corner in our house and Brian was terrified. He decided that if he had known me in high school, we would not have been friends. He missed a lot of the 80's experience. He is a few years younger than I am. He graduated high school in 1997 and I graduated college in 1998 (but I was 16 when I went to college, I only robbed the craddle a little bit). Yes, it does make me feel old! Anyway, I hear rumors that the big hair and parachute pants are making a comeback in Europe. A friend of mine just got back from a trip there and said that it's the old new thing that's "in". Let me say that I will revolt with every fiber of my being before I perm and tease my hair again. I will not wear socks with my high heals, and no socks with my Keds. And I will not wear jelly bracelets on one arm and bangles on the other! I may wear jelly shoes though. They were cool and I had them in every color. The 80's had few good things to offer. I would like you to give me a list of your favorite and least favorite things about the 80's. If you're not old enough to remember first hand and you only know about the 80's from watching the new classics on Nick at Nite, you get no opinion!
Favorites in no particular order
1. One-hit wonders
2. Afore mentioned Jelly shoes
3. Colored mascara (I really like that)
4. The Joshua Tree (U2 at it's finest)
5. Monster Ballads
6. ...That may be it, I thought there would be more
And I hated
1. The big hair (so much maintenance!)
2. Tight-rolled jeans (cut off the circulation)
3. Super-sized sweaters and shirts, with undersized pants and skirts
4. Those gloves with the fingers cut out (I had them though)
5. Rave hairspray (I know you feel my pain on that one girls)
6. High top tennis shoes
7. The end of disco (I love disco)
8. Shoulder pads (so unnecessary)
I'm sure there are plenty more and will chime in after I get your lists. Make them as long or short as you would like to!
This past weekend was my sister's 30 birthday and my dad's 69th. My sister decided to have an 80's flashback party. I had almost forgotten how ugly we all were back then but I was quickly reminded. I cut the neck and sleeves out of my sweatshirt, teased my hair, put on my stretch pants and my skirt, and loaded up on pink and blue makeup. And my God, it was awful! I turned the corner in our house and Brian was terrified. He decided that if he had known me in high school, we would not have been friends. He missed a lot of the 80's experience. He is a few years younger than I am. He graduated high school in 1997 and I graduated college in 1998 (but I was 16 when I went to college, I only robbed the craddle a little bit). Yes, it does make me feel old! Anyway, I hear rumors that the big hair and parachute pants are making a comeback in Europe. A friend of mine just got back from a trip there and said that it's the old new thing that's "in". Let me say that I will revolt with every fiber of my being before I perm and tease my hair again. I will not wear socks with my high heals, and no socks with my Keds. And I will not wear jelly bracelets on one arm and bangles on the other! I may wear jelly shoes though. They were cool and I had them in every color. The 80's had few good things to offer. I would like you to give me a list of your favorite and least favorite things about the 80's. If you're not old enough to remember first hand and you only know about the 80's from watching the new classics on Nick at Nite, you get no opinion!
Favorites in no particular order
1. One-hit wonders
2. Afore mentioned Jelly shoes
3. Colored mascara (I really like that)
4. The Joshua Tree (U2 at it's finest)
5. Monster Ballads
6. ...That may be it, I thought there would be more
And I hated
1. The big hair (so much maintenance!)
2. Tight-rolled jeans (cut off the circulation)
3. Super-sized sweaters and shirts, with undersized pants and skirts
4. Those gloves with the fingers cut out (I had them though)
5. Rave hairspray (I know you feel my pain on that one girls)
6. High top tennis shoes
7. The end of disco (I love disco)
8. Shoulder pads (so unnecessary)
I'm sure there are plenty more and will chime in after I get your lists. Make them as long or short as you would like to!
Friday, October 07, 2005
FRIDAY!!!
Let me preface this post by saying that I am medicated. It's prescription and I'm not abusing it. I threw my back out badly so I'm taking some muscle relaxers. Thus, if the blog seems a little more incoherent than normal (if that's possible), I have an excuse.
I am watching game 3 of the Red Sox/White Sox series. It's do or die time, down 2-0. We are at home though which is plus.
Today on my way home, I put on the Christian station and there was a preacher talking about the cost of gas these days and comparing it to marriage. When he said the words, "Fill up your love tank", I had to draw the line. I can only handle so much of that. Maybe he had good things to say, but the "Love Tank"??? I just couldn't do it.
I got an email today from a friend of mine from EC. We have just recently gotten back in touch. We were talking about people that I dated and he said that, for the most part, girls just prefer to date "assholes". I had to think about that for a minute. There are very few girls that I know of that just intentionally date guys that are losers. Don't mistake that to mean that everyone I dated was a gem, because there were definitely some BIG mistakes made. For example, the time I went on a date with a guy that told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. She and I weren't the best of friends but I would have never gone on that one date if I had know the truth. They were still together and I had no way of knowing that. I told a couple of people that we had gone out and the next thing I know, I was getting pulled aside in chapel to talk about what I did. I felt awful, but it was not at all my fault. I didn't have any fun on the date anyway and had no intention of going on another one, even before I found out he was still in a "committed" relationship. Then there was the guy that wooed me with his sweet words, presented himself a certain way to lure me in, and then decided to give me a huge dose of reality. I should have known that he hadn't really changed all that much but by that point, I had my pitiful little heart involved. He brought me down in so many ways. He was a nice guy and anyone that knew him would say that about him. But he was a terrible boyfriend! I once drove 5 hours to surprise him on Valentine's Day and I was just so very proud of myself. When I got there he was so shocked to see me, and not pleasantly shocked. I had gifts and he had the gift that his roommate bought for his girlfriend that he borrowed to give to me. Nice guy, bad boyfriend. I stayed with him and was miserable, but I thought he was cheating on me and it became my goal to prove it. Several years later I saw him and we went to dinner. I asked him straight out and he fessed up. I had my closure. There was also the friend with benefits. At EC we called it "Arb". At Southeastern College, where Brian went it was called NICMO (non-committal make-out). Now, as a girl, this was not at all how I wanted things to be. It happened with more than one of my guy friends, unfortunately. I always thought that the natural progression was that we were friends and once we kissed, it would dawn on him that he had loved me romantically the whole time (like on Monica and Chandler). I was wrong about that for sure. Those hurt the worst because then the friendship was ruined. I regret that I allowed myself to want more than friendship with two of those people specifically, because things were never the same. I would rather have the friendships.
I think that too many girls get a bad reputation for dating guys that treat them poorly. It's usually a pattern, different face, same relationship. That pattern usually stems from insecurity. A girl may seem very sure of herself, even pompous, and pulled together, but that doesn't mean that she isn't just a great big faker. When you're insecure about any area of your life, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, pretty much anything, it spills over into your relationships with the opposite sex. I think that there is a misconception that most girls that are insecure have been physically or sexually abused, or that they have bad relationships with their dad. I know that in a lot of cases this is factual, but insecurity in anyone can be caused by the most miniscule of things. For example, and this is going to sound silly, but I went walking one day for some exercise around a lake in town. It's a pretty busy road but there is a path around the lake for people to bike and walk. I had on some shorts and a t-shirt, hair pulled up, looked like everyone else out there. A car full of guys drove by and screamed at me out of the window. "FREAK!!!" That was all they said and it made me so self-conscious! I began to wonder if I walked funny or if I was just hideous out there. I couldn't figure out why someone would call me a freak! I have returned to walk around the lake but I always think about that day and I am careful about what I am wearing, how my hair looks, how I'm walking. It's so stupid, but it made me insecure.
Regardless, I feel very sorry for those people that date the "assholes" but everyone deserves someone, right? It just needs to be a case where mean people date other mean people and leave the normal ones alone.
I am watching game 3 of the Red Sox/White Sox series. It's do or die time, down 2-0. We are at home though which is plus.
Today on my way home, I put on the Christian station and there was a preacher talking about the cost of gas these days and comparing it to marriage. When he said the words, "Fill up your love tank", I had to draw the line. I can only handle so much of that. Maybe he had good things to say, but the "Love Tank"??? I just couldn't do it.
I got an email today from a friend of mine from EC. We have just recently gotten back in touch. We were talking about people that I dated and he said that, for the most part, girls just prefer to date "assholes". I had to think about that for a minute. There are very few girls that I know of that just intentionally date guys that are losers. Don't mistake that to mean that everyone I dated was a gem, because there were definitely some BIG mistakes made. For example, the time I went on a date with a guy that told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. She and I weren't the best of friends but I would have never gone on that one date if I had know the truth. They were still together and I had no way of knowing that. I told a couple of people that we had gone out and the next thing I know, I was getting pulled aside in chapel to talk about what I did. I felt awful, but it was not at all my fault. I didn't have any fun on the date anyway and had no intention of going on another one, even before I found out he was still in a "committed" relationship. Then there was the guy that wooed me with his sweet words, presented himself a certain way to lure me in, and then decided to give me a huge dose of reality. I should have known that he hadn't really changed all that much but by that point, I had my pitiful little heart involved. He brought me down in so many ways. He was a nice guy and anyone that knew him would say that about him. But he was a terrible boyfriend! I once drove 5 hours to surprise him on Valentine's Day and I was just so very proud of myself. When I got there he was so shocked to see me, and not pleasantly shocked. I had gifts and he had the gift that his roommate bought for his girlfriend that he borrowed to give to me. Nice guy, bad boyfriend. I stayed with him and was miserable, but I thought he was cheating on me and it became my goal to prove it. Several years later I saw him and we went to dinner. I asked him straight out and he fessed up. I had my closure. There was also the friend with benefits. At EC we called it "Arb". At Southeastern College, where Brian went it was called NICMO (non-committal make-out). Now, as a girl, this was not at all how I wanted things to be. It happened with more than one of my guy friends, unfortunately. I always thought that the natural progression was that we were friends and once we kissed, it would dawn on him that he had loved me romantically the whole time (like on Monica and Chandler). I was wrong about that for sure. Those hurt the worst because then the friendship was ruined. I regret that I allowed myself to want more than friendship with two of those people specifically, because things were never the same. I would rather have the friendships.
I think that too many girls get a bad reputation for dating guys that treat them poorly. It's usually a pattern, different face, same relationship. That pattern usually stems from insecurity. A girl may seem very sure of herself, even pompous, and pulled together, but that doesn't mean that she isn't just a great big faker. When you're insecure about any area of your life, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, pretty much anything, it spills over into your relationships with the opposite sex. I think that there is a misconception that most girls that are insecure have been physically or sexually abused, or that they have bad relationships with their dad. I know that in a lot of cases this is factual, but insecurity in anyone can be caused by the most miniscule of things. For example, and this is going to sound silly, but I went walking one day for some exercise around a lake in town. It's a pretty busy road but there is a path around the lake for people to bike and walk. I had on some shorts and a t-shirt, hair pulled up, looked like everyone else out there. A car full of guys drove by and screamed at me out of the window. "FREAK!!!" That was all they said and it made me so self-conscious! I began to wonder if I walked funny or if I was just hideous out there. I couldn't figure out why someone would call me a freak! I have returned to walk around the lake but I always think about that day and I am careful about what I am wearing, how my hair looks, how I'm walking. It's so stupid, but it made me insecure.
Regardless, I feel very sorry for those people that date the "assholes" but everyone deserves someone, right? It just needs to be a case where mean people date other mean people and leave the normal ones alone.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The latest...
Today was a pretty ordinary day. Not too much going on. However, on my way home I was listening to the radio, typical. I had it on the local Christian station and there was a commercial that came on that seemed to be somewhat humorous to me. It was for a seminar to learn how to become a wealthy Christian. Now let me preface by saying that I don't think Christians should be poor and I see nothing wrong with being an extremely wealthy Christian. That was not where the humor was. That came from the fact that the 4 hour seminar cost $200.00 per person. They suggested using your weekly tithe money on this seminar to learn what the Bible has to say about being prosperous. I chuckled to myself. If you are a Christian, and you're poor, can you really afford $200.00 for a seminar about becoming wealthy? Should you really spend money that you would normally give to your church, the place that spiritually feeds you, on what I feel is a lottery ticket? Do we need to have this? I know that traditionally, a great deal of Christians feel like they have to be economically lacking. Store up your treasures in Heaven, sacrifice earthly wealth for what is to come. Give all that you have to help those less fortunate than you are. I would love to be wealthy, unbelievably, filthy, stinking RICH! I don't think it would make me happy...well maybe a little bit, but it's not what I'm going for. I would personally rather be secure in my eternal future than my retirement fund. I know that money is important to everyone, believer or not. I just don't know that it should be such a focal point, for anyone, believer or not. What happened to "Money is the root of all evil"?
I'd rather have exactly what I have right now. I think that if I were going to spend that much money on a seminar, I'd rather learn about spiritual gifts or how to develop a closer relationship with God and my husband. Maybe I'm alone in my thinking of this. Let me say again that I think that Christians should have just as much, if not more than anyone else in the world. I truly believe that God looks out for us and takes care of us and supplies us with what we need to sustain ourselves. If you are a Christian and you're loaded, good for you. Thank God for what you have. I just have major issues with the focus of so many preachers these days. No, I don't think that Christians should be poor, but do we need a seminar that costs $200.00 to help us become rich Christians? Should the most prevalent part of the church service be taking the offering? Giving to God and the church is important. Don't get me wrong about that. I think that everyone that attends church should be a contributor.
The commercial also said that some believers just don't have the faith that it takes for God to make them rich. Is that God's job? I'm asking because I really don't know. I can't ever remember reading anywhere in the Bible that God will make me wealthy while I am here on earth, but that doesn't mean it's not there. In fact if it is there and there is some thing that I should be doing to get rich, please, someone let me know!
What it all boils down to is that if I am struggling financially and I come into $200.00, I'm going to give it to my church, or a needy family or the hurricane victims and I know that God will look down on that and smile and reward me. Maybe not financially, but with a feeling of knowing that I have helped someone in need. I have made a difference in a life. Now maybe the plan is to go to the seminar and turn my $200.00 into 2 Million and then give it to the needy. I don't know..I just don't get it. I'll take your opinions now.
I'd rather have exactly what I have right now. I think that if I were going to spend that much money on a seminar, I'd rather learn about spiritual gifts or how to develop a closer relationship with God and my husband. Maybe I'm alone in my thinking of this. Let me say again that I think that Christians should have just as much, if not more than anyone else in the world. I truly believe that God looks out for us and takes care of us and supplies us with what we need to sustain ourselves. If you are a Christian and you're loaded, good for you. Thank God for what you have. I just have major issues with the focus of so many preachers these days. No, I don't think that Christians should be poor, but do we need a seminar that costs $200.00 to help us become rich Christians? Should the most prevalent part of the church service be taking the offering? Giving to God and the church is important. Don't get me wrong about that. I think that everyone that attends church should be a contributor.
The commercial also said that some believers just don't have the faith that it takes for God to make them rich. Is that God's job? I'm asking because I really don't know. I can't ever remember reading anywhere in the Bible that God will make me wealthy while I am here on earth, but that doesn't mean it's not there. In fact if it is there and there is some thing that I should be doing to get rich, please, someone let me know!
What it all boils down to is that if I am struggling financially and I come into $200.00, I'm going to give it to my church, or a needy family or the hurricane victims and I know that God will look down on that and smile and reward me. Maybe not financially, but with a feeling of knowing that I have helped someone in need. I have made a difference in a life. Now maybe the plan is to go to the seminar and turn my $200.00 into 2 Million and then give it to the needy. I don't know..I just don't get it. I'll take your opinions now.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Today's ramble
Brace yourselves--this could be a long one! This is pretty random, stream of consciousness.
I am on the hunt for a new job. I have a BA in English and a paralegal degree from the University of Miami, so one would think that, because I have an education, I could find a job. Sadly, that's just not the case. Everyone wants someone with experience. I am currently working in a law firm, getting the necessary experience. However, I was just passed up for a promotion by a girl with no college degree and no litigation experience (which is what I went to school for), but she is bilingual. I understand that is an important thing, especially in Florida. I just think that there should be some merit to an education. To top it all off, I asked for a raise and was told that I would get one in December. I can wait until then. Then I found out how much it would be...3%. I make nothing right now. I took the job for the experience, and I also took a $15,000.00 a year pay cut from my TEACHER"S SALARY!! If you know any teachers, you know the one thing they always complain about is the salary. You do the math. So I'm back on the hunt. It appears as though I am going to take a job that is out of my field, but that has a lot of potential for advancement. And they pay more money to people with a college degree and I really appreciate that. Job hunting is close to the top of my list of things I really hate, just below moving and doing laundry. I have a lot to offer but getting the interview with little experience is a difficult thing to do!!
I went to visit my parents today. They live about 5 minutes from me and yet I only go visit about once a month, if that. I feel like such a bad child. They are understanding about it. They know that I'm usually very busy. I talked to them for a long time about different things and I started to think about the relationships that we have with our parents when we become adults. As a child, a teenager, and a college student, all I ever really wanted was for them to be proud of me, especially my dad. I appreciated the approval of my mom. She was always very vocal about it though. My dad would tell me that he was but my mom was more consistent about it. Now that I am adult, my need to please them is still there but it's very altered. I still want them to be proud of my decisions in life, almost because I want them to feel like they did a good job raising me. They are getting older (aren't we all?) and I worry about them a great deal. My dad had a heart attack a few months before my wedding and it didn't look good. I was so worried that my daddy wouldn't be there to give me away. I felt so selfish for thinking that way but that's something that every girl wants. He had to have a pacemaker put in and still has problems breathing from time to time. My mom, on the other hand, has always been the strong one. She is a fighter for sure. A few weeks ago, she was in the hospital with some stomach problems. It turned out to be two ulcers. The problem was that the doctors were so vague about what was happening, so I automatically assumed the worst. That's just my nature. I can't imagine the condition I will be in the day that something happens to either of them. Yet they are right around the corner and I don't see them very often. It's a conundrum for me. But I don't think that they ever question that I love them and would do anything for them.
On a completely different note, I have these two friends that I went to college with that I am still very close to, Tracy and Cyndi. I miss them both so much today. I think of them everyday, but some days, I need them more than others. Tracy and I were roommates in college and then for another year after I graduated. She is one of the most constant things that I have in life. I see her a couple times a year, if I'm lucky. We just live too far apart. She is one of the few that knows all there is to know about me, especially my flaws, and she loves me still. I appreciate that in her. Cyndi and I went through a phase in our friendship where we didn't speak. I don't even remember why but I'm sure she does. She joined the army and went to Germany and we kept in touch while she was there. We talked every few weeks. She's another constant. She has been through a lot of really rough times and she keeps her head above water somehow. She is invincible in my mind. I'm very proud of her. There are few people in life that find friends like these two and I consider myself so fortunate to have them. They are cherished. They are my family. If either of you happen to read this, know that I love you and it's time to pack your stuff up and head to Florida for a little fall vacation!
I am on the hunt for a new job. I have a BA in English and a paralegal degree from the University of Miami, so one would think that, because I have an education, I could find a job. Sadly, that's just not the case. Everyone wants someone with experience. I am currently working in a law firm, getting the necessary experience. However, I was just passed up for a promotion by a girl with no college degree and no litigation experience (which is what I went to school for), but she is bilingual. I understand that is an important thing, especially in Florida. I just think that there should be some merit to an education. To top it all off, I asked for a raise and was told that I would get one in December. I can wait until then. Then I found out how much it would be...3%. I make nothing right now. I took the job for the experience, and I also took a $15,000.00 a year pay cut from my TEACHER"S SALARY!! If you know any teachers, you know the one thing they always complain about is the salary. You do the math. So I'm back on the hunt. It appears as though I am going to take a job that is out of my field, but that has a lot of potential for advancement. And they pay more money to people with a college degree and I really appreciate that. Job hunting is close to the top of my list of things I really hate, just below moving and doing laundry. I have a lot to offer but getting the interview with little experience is a difficult thing to do!!
I went to visit my parents today. They live about 5 minutes from me and yet I only go visit about once a month, if that. I feel like such a bad child. They are understanding about it. They know that I'm usually very busy. I talked to them for a long time about different things and I started to think about the relationships that we have with our parents when we become adults. As a child, a teenager, and a college student, all I ever really wanted was for them to be proud of me, especially my dad. I appreciated the approval of my mom. She was always very vocal about it though. My dad would tell me that he was but my mom was more consistent about it. Now that I am adult, my need to please them is still there but it's very altered. I still want them to be proud of my decisions in life, almost because I want them to feel like they did a good job raising me. They are getting older (aren't we all?) and I worry about them a great deal. My dad had a heart attack a few months before my wedding and it didn't look good. I was so worried that my daddy wouldn't be there to give me away. I felt so selfish for thinking that way but that's something that every girl wants. He had to have a pacemaker put in and still has problems breathing from time to time. My mom, on the other hand, has always been the strong one. She is a fighter for sure. A few weeks ago, she was in the hospital with some stomach problems. It turned out to be two ulcers. The problem was that the doctors were so vague about what was happening, so I automatically assumed the worst. That's just my nature. I can't imagine the condition I will be in the day that something happens to either of them. Yet they are right around the corner and I don't see them very often. It's a conundrum for me. But I don't think that they ever question that I love them and would do anything for them.
On a completely different note, I have these two friends that I went to college with that I am still very close to, Tracy and Cyndi. I miss them both so much today. I think of them everyday, but some days, I need them more than others. Tracy and I were roommates in college and then for another year after I graduated. She is one of the most constant things that I have in life. I see her a couple times a year, if I'm lucky. We just live too far apart. She is one of the few that knows all there is to know about me, especially my flaws, and she loves me still. I appreciate that in her. Cyndi and I went through a phase in our friendship where we didn't speak. I don't even remember why but I'm sure she does. She joined the army and went to Germany and we kept in touch while she was there. We talked every few weeks. She's another constant. She has been through a lot of really rough times and she keeps her head above water somehow. She is invincible in my mind. I'm very proud of her. There are few people in life that find friends like these two and I consider myself so fortunate to have them. They are cherished. They are my family. If either of you happen to read this, know that I love you and it's time to pack your stuff up and head to Florida for a little fall vacation!
The Case for Christ
I am about to join a book club and The Case for Christ is the first thing we are reading. Anyone have an opinion to offer about it? I've read several reviews online, mostly from atheists who, obviously don't like the book. Just wondering if anyone has an opinion for me before I get started.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Antisocial
I'm feeling antisocial tonight. I think that is because of this blog thing. I feel the need to put one of my long-winded ideas on here every time I think of anything. It's ridiculous. This is the newest thing in my life so I guess that is why.
Other than that, tomorrow my Falcons take on Minnesota at 4:15pm EST. I'm hoping that the Daunte Culpepper from the first two weeks of the season shows up tomorrow. 8 interceptions, no touchdowns. And for those of you with a comment about Michael Vick--I agree that he is the most overrated player in the NFL, but I love him still. He is no Chris Chandler or Doug Johnson (and thank God for that). I'll attach a picture that is dear to my heart. I would like to go ahead now and personally guarantee two wins in the Garvin household--okay three wins (for Brian's sake). The Red Sox, the Falcons, and the Denver Broncos at Jacksonville. There you go Brian (even though you never read my blog).
HOPE!!
Well the Sox pulled it out last night but lost one today. There is still hope! We play the Yankees again tomorrow and, if the Indians lose we are in. If the Indians win we will have a playoff game. I'm not that worried. I do know why the saying goes,"Damn Yankees!"
Friday, September 30, 2005
A cynical Friday night
It's almost nine on a Friday night. My husband, Brian, is out playing soccer and I'm watching the Red Sox game. Not a very exciting evening, especially to be a Friday.
I am feeling very...hmmm...self-examining tonight so bare with me. I realize that my posts are quite long, and that you may get bored before I finish. However, I write to clear my head. I just let you read it in case you can help.
I am what one might call a confused Christian. I'm not confused about being a Christian. I'm confused about certain things that go along with that. Church, denominations, theology, and Christians in general.
I was talking to my friend Cyndi the other night about some of our friends that are "super spiritual". We talked about the way so many Christians look down there noses at those of us that have imperfections. So many Christians seem untouchable. Whether intentional or not, they are intimidating. I wonder if the disciples thought that Christ was intimidating. I can picture Jesus walking into a room, sitting down next to Peter and, dripping with sarcasm, saying, "So, Peter, how's the sin coming along today?" I know that Jesus became human and walked among us like a regular human, hiding his red tights and superhero cape under his other garments. I just can't imagine that Jesus was like so many Christians that I know, smugly smiling and shaking hands during the meet-and-greet time during the offering, then returning to his seat, leaning over to John and saying, "Can you believe what Mary is wearing? I can almost see her ankles in that."
I was one of those Christians for a long time. I thought I had to be a certain way because I sang in the choir and led worship. My flaws were hidden under my hypocrisy. I pointed fingers, thinking that my sin was a secret. I shunned my own sister because she wasn't quite "holy" enough. I sacrificed friendships because of my reputation. What it boiled down to was that I was weak in my faith. I didn't trust myself to be a tangible example so I attempted to be the holy untouchable. I hate the way that I was then. Those people that really knew me, knew that I was broken internally and spiritually childish.
There are those that would look at my life now and think that I am not "holy". Do I go to church every Sunday? No-but I don't lie about it anymore. Do I sin? Everyday in some way or another. Do I pray and read my Bible? Not like I need to but always when things are rough. Do I claim to be a Christian even though the truth is that I have failed God more miserable than most? Absolutely.
I am a big fan of grace and mercy. I don't understand it at all, but I'm a big fan. I don't mistakenly assume that I can do whatever I choose and God has to forgive me because, hey, I'm a Christian. I know that he will if I ask but I sure as hell don't know why. The only thing that I can compare it to is my relationship with Brian. There have been times when I have been so angry with him that I didn't even want to see his face. He's made me cry harder than "Dead Man Walking". There was never a time that I didn't want to work it out, that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I want to fix it and move on. I know it's going to happen again and again and again (you always hurt the ones you love) and I'm okay with that because I know that we will have mercy on each other. As much as this gives me an example, I know that what God does is so much more difficult.
I've never turned my back on Brian or intentionally done something that I know he hates (except that one time...). I have never openly defied him. I love him. And I love God but I do those things constantly inside of my miniscule humanity. Being human and loving God is tricky to me. What he is and what I am don't even touch edges. But somehow, what he is and what I am still wrap perfectly around each other.
I am feeling very...hmmm...self-examining tonight so bare with me. I realize that my posts are quite long, and that you may get bored before I finish. However, I write to clear my head. I just let you read it in case you can help.
I am what one might call a confused Christian. I'm not confused about being a Christian. I'm confused about certain things that go along with that. Church, denominations, theology, and Christians in general.
I was talking to my friend Cyndi the other night about some of our friends that are "super spiritual". We talked about the way so many Christians look down there noses at those of us that have imperfections. So many Christians seem untouchable. Whether intentional or not, they are intimidating. I wonder if the disciples thought that Christ was intimidating. I can picture Jesus walking into a room, sitting down next to Peter and, dripping with sarcasm, saying, "So, Peter, how's the sin coming along today?" I know that Jesus became human and walked among us like a regular human, hiding his red tights and superhero cape under his other garments. I just can't imagine that Jesus was like so many Christians that I know, smugly smiling and shaking hands during the meet-and-greet time during the offering, then returning to his seat, leaning over to John and saying, "Can you believe what Mary is wearing? I can almost see her ankles in that."
I was one of those Christians for a long time. I thought I had to be a certain way because I sang in the choir and led worship. My flaws were hidden under my hypocrisy. I pointed fingers, thinking that my sin was a secret. I shunned my own sister because she wasn't quite "holy" enough. I sacrificed friendships because of my reputation. What it boiled down to was that I was weak in my faith. I didn't trust myself to be a tangible example so I attempted to be the holy untouchable. I hate the way that I was then. Those people that really knew me, knew that I was broken internally and spiritually childish.
There are those that would look at my life now and think that I am not "holy". Do I go to church every Sunday? No-but I don't lie about it anymore. Do I sin? Everyday in some way or another. Do I pray and read my Bible? Not like I need to but always when things are rough. Do I claim to be a Christian even though the truth is that I have failed God more miserable than most? Absolutely.
I am a big fan of grace and mercy. I don't understand it at all, but I'm a big fan. I don't mistakenly assume that I can do whatever I choose and God has to forgive me because, hey, I'm a Christian. I know that he will if I ask but I sure as hell don't know why. The only thing that I can compare it to is my relationship with Brian. There have been times when I have been so angry with him that I didn't even want to see his face. He's made me cry harder than "Dead Man Walking". There was never a time that I didn't want to work it out, that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I want to fix it and move on. I know it's going to happen again and again and again (you always hurt the ones you love) and I'm okay with that because I know that we will have mercy on each other. As much as this gives me an example, I know that what God does is so much more difficult.
I've never turned my back on Brian or intentionally done something that I know he hates (except that one time...). I have never openly defied him. I love him. And I love God but I do those things constantly inside of my miniscule humanity. Being human and loving God is tricky to me. What he is and what I am don't even touch edges. But somehow, what he is and what I am still wrap perfectly around each other.
oh joy
Tonight, there is a very important event occurring in my life. When I was 7 my dad took me to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park. I didn't really understand then what it meant to be a Red Sox fan. I had heard about it plenty though. Growing up, there was a lady that I called Aunt Eva. We were in no way related but she was like a second mother to my dad. She lived and died with the Red Sox. I remember watching her, sitting in a rocking chair, crocheting or doing cross-stitch, about 3 feet from the TV, screaming and cursing everyone the Red Sox played. I thought back then that it was just a game. She would be so angry and frustrated, especially when the Yankees came to town.
A few years ago I started keeping up with the Sox again. My friend, Erik is one of the biggest fans I've ever met. He has the stamina to sit and watch every game all 186 of them. In 2003 it looked like our year...but the Yankees...grrr!!! Thwarted by Aaron Boone in game 7. Rage and anger came flooding over me. How can we keep doing this? Year after year after year. It had to be a curse. What else could explain Bill Buckner letting that ball roll through his legs(by the way I remember Aunt Eva making death threats on Buckner and I think she would have acted on it if she wasn't already 65 years old)? Why did it seem that every year there was something that got between us and the championship?
Then there was Papi. I know that every player on the team last year had their share of winning moments. Schilling's bloody sock, Damon's home run, Pedro. But for me there is David Ortiz. For those of you that don't know, he is clutch! Last night he hit a home run to tie it up in the 8th and a single to win it in the bottom of the 9th.
So tonight we face the Yankees. Derek Jeter (hate him), A. Rod (hate him), Bellhorn (traitor). We must win 2 out of the 3 games to win the division. We play at Fenway and we have the best home game winning percentage in the league.
Most importantly, we have Papi. go sox
A few years ago I started keeping up with the Sox again. My friend, Erik is one of the biggest fans I've ever met. He has the stamina to sit and watch every game all 186 of them. In 2003 it looked like our year...but the Yankees...grrr!!! Thwarted by Aaron Boone in game 7. Rage and anger came flooding over me. How can we keep doing this? Year after year after year. It had to be a curse. What else could explain Bill Buckner letting that ball roll through his legs(by the way I remember Aunt Eva making death threats on Buckner and I think she would have acted on it if she wasn't already 65 years old)? Why did it seem that every year there was something that got between us and the championship?
Then there was Papi. I know that every player on the team last year had their share of winning moments. Schilling's bloody sock, Damon's home run, Pedro. But for me there is David Ortiz. For those of you that don't know, he is clutch! Last night he hit a home run to tie it up in the 8th and a single to win it in the bottom of the 9th.
So tonight we face the Yankees. Derek Jeter (hate him), A. Rod (hate him), Bellhorn (traitor). We must win 2 out of the 3 games to win the division. We play at Fenway and we have the best home game winning percentage in the league.
Most importantly, we have Papi. go sox
Thursday, September 29, 2005
The road everybody travels...
I have been thinking a great deal lately about love. I was in love a lot growing up. I cried over boys in high school, and I cried even harder in college. I was always one that leapt whole-heartedly into love. I wanted to be in love and be loved intensely and unconditionally.
the funny thing is, that when each new love came along, I convinced myself that whatever I felt before couldn't have been love because what I was feeling at that moment was so much deeper and so much more perfect than the love I lost. When I met my husband we talked about our past relationships (with the exception of one of my exes--we refer to him as 'those we don't speak of'), and I asked him if he had ever been in love. He said yes, twice in fact. Of everyone that I had dated, I could only think of one to put into that "true love" category. How come he got to love with more people than I did? We hadn't been together very long at that point and I didn't know if I would marry him or fall in love with him. But I liked him, a lot.
I don't really understand too much about the way that love works. I know that I had a brother that I had only met twice in my 28 years, once at 3 and once at 26. And I loved him somehow. He died a few months ago and I cried for him, even though I don't even know what color his eyes were or what his wife's name was. I know that if given the opportunity, I would have known him and loved him even more. I know that I have my dearest friends, some that I only see once or twice a year, if I am fortunate. And I forget birthdays and what it sounds like when they laugh. But I love them. And I have my memories about love and certain things trigger those and I remember specific things that I loved about specific people. And I love those people for those memories and for the lessons learned about love. And I have my husband...He told me last night that he had a dream that I died. In the dream he thought to himself, "okay, I will move on and find someone else". But he couldn't. He could only think of the everyday occurrences between just us that make us love each other, like rubbing feet under the blanket each and every night. When he told me about his dream, I thought about those people who lose a companion tragically and then move on. It is not an attempt to replace what was before. It is, in my opinion, a need to create newness and more and different love.
I think a lot about the way that God loves me and the way I love him and how different it is. This is not my attempt to be overly spiritual, but it is virtually impossible to talk about love and not mention God, at least for me. I am more baffled by his love for me than anything else in the world. If Bigfoot walked through my backyard, carrying the Loch Ness Monster and they were both abducted by aliens right before my eyes, it would make more sense to me than God's love. I wish that I loved him more. I wish that I expressed it better and that I was better. I am so human that it is frightening. The thing with God is that, as much as I strive to understand his mind and as much as I study to learn what he is all about, the more baffled I become. But I do believe that God appreciates that about me. He appreciates the search. I think that is part of the way that I express my love for him. I look for him. Sometimes I look for him like a mother, panicked because her child is out of sight in a crowded room. Sometimes I look for him like a window shopper. Sometimes I look for him the way you would a blind date in a restaurant. I have no answers for anyone about theology or denominations or religion in general. I am never a perfect example to be followed. I am a failure to many who feel that I am a "wasted vessel". But I'm kind of on the road that everybody travels. I am on a search, not for the best church or the easiest way or something that feel good. I'm not searching for a god that is convenient and lets me do whatever I want. I'm not searching for salvation. I'm searching for my resting place, my eternal solace.
In my mind, I am a child wandering through a field of tall grass. Sometimes I run, out of fear for what's behind me. Sometimes I stop and pull the petals off of a flower. Sometimes I trip on the uneven ground. But I am looking for one thing. It is a tree, tall and perfect with beautiful green leaves and plush grass underneath. It is a perfect place of shade and serenity. For me, in my child-like mind, it is the face of God. You may think this is gibberish and that's okay. You might be thinking, "God is a tree?" No-not my point. My point is that, for each of us, the idea of being with God is different. For my husband it's sitting in the middle of the ocean, on a surfboard, watching the sunset and waiting on the perfect wave. For me, it's sitting under the shade of an enormous tree, barefooted with grass between my toes. No sounds, no traffic, no cell phone, no bills to pay, no obligations. Just me and the breeze blowing by. For me, at the end of my search, that's what I want to find waiting. I know the Bible speaks of heaven, with mansions and streets of gold, and I imagine it to be beautiful. But for me, I'll take my place in the shadows of a weeping willow and sit peacefully under the watchful eyes of my Father infinitely.
the funny thing is, that when each new love came along, I convinced myself that whatever I felt before couldn't have been love because what I was feeling at that moment was so much deeper and so much more perfect than the love I lost. When I met my husband we talked about our past relationships (with the exception of one of my exes--we refer to him as 'those we don't speak of'), and I asked him if he had ever been in love. He said yes, twice in fact. Of everyone that I had dated, I could only think of one to put into that "true love" category. How come he got to love with more people than I did? We hadn't been together very long at that point and I didn't know if I would marry him or fall in love with him. But I liked him, a lot.
I don't really understand too much about the way that love works. I know that I had a brother that I had only met twice in my 28 years, once at 3 and once at 26. And I loved him somehow. He died a few months ago and I cried for him, even though I don't even know what color his eyes were or what his wife's name was. I know that if given the opportunity, I would have known him and loved him even more. I know that I have my dearest friends, some that I only see once or twice a year, if I am fortunate. And I forget birthdays and what it sounds like when they laugh. But I love them. And I have my memories about love and certain things trigger those and I remember specific things that I loved about specific people. And I love those people for those memories and for the lessons learned about love. And I have my husband...He told me last night that he had a dream that I died. In the dream he thought to himself, "okay, I will move on and find someone else". But he couldn't. He could only think of the everyday occurrences between just us that make us love each other, like rubbing feet under the blanket each and every night. When he told me about his dream, I thought about those people who lose a companion tragically and then move on. It is not an attempt to replace what was before. It is, in my opinion, a need to create newness and more and different love.
I think a lot about the way that God loves me and the way I love him and how different it is. This is not my attempt to be overly spiritual, but it is virtually impossible to talk about love and not mention God, at least for me. I am more baffled by his love for me than anything else in the world. If Bigfoot walked through my backyard, carrying the Loch Ness Monster and they were both abducted by aliens right before my eyes, it would make more sense to me than God's love. I wish that I loved him more. I wish that I expressed it better and that I was better. I am so human that it is frightening. The thing with God is that, as much as I strive to understand his mind and as much as I study to learn what he is all about, the more baffled I become. But I do believe that God appreciates that about me. He appreciates the search. I think that is part of the way that I express my love for him. I look for him. Sometimes I look for him like a mother, panicked because her child is out of sight in a crowded room. Sometimes I look for him like a window shopper. Sometimes I look for him the way you would a blind date in a restaurant. I have no answers for anyone about theology or denominations or religion in general. I am never a perfect example to be followed. I am a failure to many who feel that I am a "wasted vessel". But I'm kind of on the road that everybody travels. I am on a search, not for the best church or the easiest way or something that feel good. I'm not searching for a god that is convenient and lets me do whatever I want. I'm not searching for salvation. I'm searching for my resting place, my eternal solace.
In my mind, I am a child wandering through a field of tall grass. Sometimes I run, out of fear for what's behind me. Sometimes I stop and pull the petals off of a flower. Sometimes I trip on the uneven ground. But I am looking for one thing. It is a tree, tall and perfect with beautiful green leaves and plush grass underneath. It is a perfect place of shade and serenity. For me, in my child-like mind, it is the face of God. You may think this is gibberish and that's okay. You might be thinking, "God is a tree?" No-not my point. My point is that, for each of us, the idea of being with God is different. For my husband it's sitting in the middle of the ocean, on a surfboard, watching the sunset and waiting on the perfect wave. For me, it's sitting under the shade of an enormous tree, barefooted with grass between my toes. No sounds, no traffic, no cell phone, no bills to pay, no obligations. Just me and the breeze blowing by. For me, at the end of my search, that's what I want to find waiting. I know the Bible speaks of heaven, with mansions and streets of gold, and I imagine it to be beautiful. But for me, I'll take my place in the shadows of a weeping willow and sit peacefully under the watchful eyes of my Father infinitely.
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